By Rosemary Conte
originally published: 06/16/2015

 I’m thinking of retiring from music and trying standup. I’ll want a drummer with a snare and cymbal with me. Please be my drummer and click on the rimshot button if you like the joke. My act might go something like this:

 

“Hey, New Jersey! How’re ya doin? 

Kids and their music!  They always seem to be at odds with their parents. The little boy next door told his father he wants to be a musician when he grows up.  His father told him that he couldn’t have it both ways. (rimshot) Really, musicians get no respect.  Neither do some of the instruments. When did you ever hear a little kid say he wanted to grow up to be an oboe player?  And it’s really mean when a minor 2nd is defined as two oboists playing in unison.  And, listen---grow some empathy before you tell that joke about the chicken that crossed the road to get away from the bassoon recital. Get some music sensitivity training before you ask, ‘What do you call a guitarist whose girl friend breaks up with him?’ Yeah, homeless. (rimshot)   Mean. Not funny.  

There’s a nerd sub-culture, and I’ll bet that musician nerds are on the lowest rung of the income ladder.  It really pisses me off that Microsoft’s Bill Gates is a nerd worth billions and he can’t even carry a tune! I’ve heard him sing.  Will musician nerds ever gain parity with computer nerds?  (rimshot)

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Acoustic bass players have had it rough.  First, the upright bass was replaced by the electric bass. And now the electric bass is often replaced by a digital keyboard.  In fact, bass players may become as obsolete as light bulb jokes. And, by the way, it takes zero number of bass players to change a light bulb, because the piano player can do it with his left hand. (rimshot)

Singers are special.  To be a good singer, you must be smart and have a great  imagination.  Those who say that you can put a twinkle in the eye of a chick singer by shining a flashlight in her ear--are just jealous.  New Jersey’s divas are divas because they are exceptional gifts from God. They command such power and respect that to change a light bulb they need only to hold on to it while the world revolves around them. (rim shot)     “Musicians might be happier if they learned to develop warm personal relationships.  I read that music conductors’ hearts are coveted for transplants--- because they’ve had so little use.  (rimshot)

Unlike conductors who must stand in one place while they perform, bagpipers walk when they play.  Some say it’s to get away from the sound. (rimshot) That’s ignorant bias toward traditional ethnic music.  

Accordionists stroll as they play.  A few years ago the accordion began its comeback. But it didn’t catch on everywhere. Some folks think zydeco is a skin disease.  (rimshot) You know, though---you really have to admire musicians whose faith never waivers.  In the 80s I knew a guy who was nicknamed ‘The Optimist.’  He’s was an accordion player with a pager!  (rimshot)

Pity the trombonists. There’s little demand for them. Thankfully though, they get to save some money on the purchase of their gig calendars.  While the pianists have to buy thick, expensive daily planners, trombonists only require the “Year-At-A-Glance” type.   (rimshot)

“What’s really sad is the lack of respect musicians display for each other. The other day some hot-shot composer asked me, ‘What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?’  Answer: A drummer.  He told me that his drummer friend had just taken an I.Q. test, and when I asked what he got on it, he said, ‘Drool.’  (rimshot)

I have to wrap things up now, and anyway, there’s a drummer knocking on the stage door.  The stage hand says he can tell it’s a drummer because the knock is getting faster. (rimshot) In all fairness though, ladies and gentlemen, it’s good that light bulb jokes are out of fashion and won’t have drummers to kick around anymore. Nobody today asks how many drummers it takes to change a light bulb. But if they did, the answer would be NONE!  They have machines to do that now!

"You’ve been a great audience!  Thank you. Goodnight!”  

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So...what do you think?  Shall I give up my day job?

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Rosemary Conte is a singer, voice teacher, lecturer, and hypnosis therapist based in Matawan. She welcomes questions and comments at [email protected]

   

 

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