I’m thinking of retiring from music and trying standup. I’ll want a drummer with a snare and cymbal with me. Please be my drummer and click on the rimshot button if you like the joke. My act might go something like this:
“Hey, New Jersey! How’re ya doin?
Kids and their music! They always seem to be at odds with their parents. The little boy next door told his father he wants to be a musician when he grows up. His father told him that he couldn’t have it both ways. (rimshot) Really, musicians get no respect. Neither do some of the instruments. When did you ever hear a little kid say he wanted to grow up to be an oboe player? And it’s really mean when a minor 2nd is defined as two oboists playing in unison. And, listen---grow some empathy before you tell that joke about the chicken that crossed the road to get away from the bassoon recital. Get some music sensitivity training before you ask, ‘What do you call a guitarist whose girl friend breaks up with him?’ Yeah, homeless. (rimshot) Mean. Not funny.
There’s a nerd sub-culture, and I’ll bet that musician nerds are on the lowest rung of the income ladder. It really pisses me off that Microsoft’s Bill Gates is a nerd worth billions and he can’t even carry a tune! I’ve heard him sing. Will musician nerds ever gain parity with computer nerds? (rimshot)
Acoustic bass players have had it rough. First, the upright bass was replaced by the electric bass. And now the electric bass is often replaced by a digital keyboard. In fact, bass players may become as obsolete as light bulb jokes. And, by the way, it takes zero number of bass players to change a light bulb, because the piano player can do it with his left hand. (rimshot)
Singers are special. To be a good singer, you must be smart and have a great imagination. Those who say that you can put a twinkle in the eye of a chick singer by shining a flashlight in her ear--are just jealous. New Jersey’s divas are divas because they are exceptional gifts from God. They command such power and respect that to change a light bulb they need only to hold on to it while the world revolves around them. (rim shot) “Musicians might be happier if they learned to develop warm personal relationships. I read that music conductors’ hearts are coveted for transplants--- because they’ve had so little use. (rimshot)
Unlike conductors who must stand in one place while they perform, bagpipers walk when they play. Some say it’s to get away from the sound. (rimshot) That’s ignorant bias toward traditional ethnic music.
Accordionists stroll as they play. A few years ago the accordion began its comeback. But it didn’t catch on everywhere. Some folks think zydeco is a skin disease. (rimshot) You know, though---you really have to admire musicians whose faith never waivers. In the 80s I knew a guy who was nicknamed ‘The Optimist.’ He’s was an accordion player with a pager! (rimshot)
Pity the trombonists. There’s little demand for them. Thankfully though, they get to save some money on the purchase of their gig calendars. While the pianists have to buy thick, expensive daily planners, trombonists only require the “Year-At-A-Glance” type. (rimshot)
“What’s really sad is the lack of respect musicians display for each other. The other day some hot-shot composer asked me, ‘What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?’ Answer: A drummer. He told me that his drummer friend had just taken an I.Q. test, and when I asked what he got on it, he said, ‘Drool.’ (rimshot)
I have to wrap things up now, and anyway, there’s a drummer knocking on the stage door. The stage hand says he can tell it’s a drummer because the knock is getting faster. (rimshot) In all fairness though, ladies and gentlemen, it’s good that light bulb jokes are out of fashion and won’t have drummers to kick around anymore. Nobody today asks how many drummers it takes to change a light bulb. But if they did, the answer would be NONE! They have machines to do that now!
"You’ve been a great audience! Thank you. Goodnight!”
(END OF ROUTINE)
So...what do you think? Shall I give up my day job?
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Rosemary Conte is a singer, voice teacher, lecturer, and hypnosis therapist based in Matawan. She welcomes questions and comments at [email protected]
Join us for McCarter at the Museum - renowned performing artists in one-night only events at the Princeton University Art Museum.
Jason Robert Brown is a four-time Tony Award-winning composer and lyricist of The Last Five Years, Parade, Songs for a New World, 13, The Bridges of Madison County, Honeymoon In Vegas and The Connector, has performed as a soloist or with his band in venues around the world, including sold-out shows at the London Palladium and Carnegie Hall. His albums as a singer-songwriter include Wearing Someone Else’s Clothes and How We React and How We Recover on Ghostlight, and Coming From Inside the House and Live In Concert with Stephen Sondheim on Concord.
With Special Guest Tony nominee Betsy Wolfe. Tony Award-nominated actress Betsy Wolfe is currently starring as Audrey in the acclaimed Off-Broadway production of Little Shop of Horrors, following her recent Broadway run as Madeline Ashton in the hit musical Death Becomes Her. She previously originated the title role in Joy, the new musical inspired by inventor Joy Mangano, and earned a 2023 Tony Award nomination for Best Featured Actress in a Musical for her celebrated performance as Anne Hathaway in & Juliet. Other Broadway credits include starring as Jenna in Waitress, Cordelia in the acclaimed revival of Falsettos, Bullets Over Broadway, The Mystery of Edwin Drood, Everyday Rapture, and 110 in the Shade, as well as her critically acclaimed performance as Cathy in the Off-Broadway revival of The Last Five Years. Wolfe made her Metropolitan Opera debut in Die Fledermaus and has appeared as a guest artist with more than 65 symphony, pops, and philharmonic orchestras worldwide, including the New York Philharmonic and BBC Symphony Orchestra, with performances at Carnegie Hall and the Kennedy Center. Her screen credits include First One In, Estella Scrooge, CBS’s Instinct, and the film adaptation of The Last Five Years. Wolfe is also the co-founder of BroadwayEvolved, the acclaimed musical theatre training program she launched in 2018 to train and mentor the next generation of theatre artists.
A limited number of early access tickets for McCarter Director’s Circle members and members of the Museum’s Partner Circle are available, on sale Wednesday, September 16, 2026 at 12:00 PM. General public on sale begins Friday, September 18, 2026 at 12:00 PM.
Please be aware there is no public drop-off or parking at the Museum. For visitors with mobility needs, please contact the Museum at least three business days in advance of your visit to request special access to the Museum via Elm Drive. Call 609-258-3788 and select option 1 to speak to a visitor services staff member, or email Louise Barrett at [email protected].
