By Rosemary Conte
originally published: 12/25/2017
What to Do with A Holiday Tradition
(Sing to the tune of “Makin’ Whoopee”)
(Verse)
Christmas is over. Resolutions are done.
Released all my guilt. Except for just one.
In a world where there’s hunger, I threw in the dumpster,
A WallMart Fruitcake.
Nobody likes it. It’s hard to digest
It plugs up your plumbing. And you know the rest.
It’s not uplifting. It’s for re-gifting,
Department store fruitcake.
(Chorus)
A di-a-mond is for-ever. A fruitcake is too, I fear.
If I gave someone that fruitcake, I might get it back next year.
(Verse)
Keep it in foil. It ain’t gonna spoil,
It’s dark and it’s rich, like Iranian oil
My guilt is ending. An idea is blending.
For using Fruitcake.
Send all the fruitcake, off to Iraq
Going that far, we won’t get it back.
A drone for the mission, with Trump’s permission,
To bomb with fruitcake.
(Chorus)
We’ll make the Middle East, safe for Democra-cy
Picture the world-wide headlines: “U.S. constipates enemy”
(Verse)
It’s hard and it’s heavy. It lands and explodes.
No mortar no shrapnel, just orange peel and cloves.
No collateral damage. That’s an advantage
Of firing Fruitcake
Let’s turn it over… to the FDA
To pull it from stores by April or May
Don’t wanna destroy it…just wanna deploy it,
Department store Fruitcake!
(Big, Bill Murray lounge singer finish)
That Wal-Mart Fruitcake!
Civics Song
(Sing to the tune of “Auld Lang Syne”)
Should old b’grudges be forgot
And never left to roam
In minds of Trenton politics
In the state that I call home.
Oh, legislators we don’t want
Our living costs to climb
Please govern so efficiently
That I keep the house that’s mine!
To anyone who didn’t show
This past election day
Are you the one who thought your voice
Wouldn’t matter anyway?
Well, thanks, my friend if you showed up
At the polling place to vote
Phil Murphy has some work to do
(Cutting taxes seems remote.)
He’s gotta get that tunnel dug
From “N” “J” to Gotham town
Then find a way to pay for schools
So our seniors stick around.
Be sure to get what you deserve,
Go to council meetings (free)
Speak up about what’s going on
In your municipality!
Happy New Year!
EVENT PREVIEWS
Gateway Playhouse to produce "Concert For A Cure" Fundraiser on June 28th
(SOMERS POINT, NJ) -- Gateway Playhouse is producing Concert for a Cure, a three-part show highlighting three different musical acts on June 28, 2026, as a special fundraising event for three different cancer organizations: the American Cancer Society (ACS), Gilda's Club of Linwood, and Wigs & Wishes by Martino Cartier of Sewell. The event will feature three original musical acts: Tide ll Moon, a Philadelphia- based indie rock band formed by Drexel University film students; Steven Lemon, a South Jersey indie pop/rock/folk artist with a songwriting career that spans two decades; and Rachel Burghen, a dynamic South Jersey crossover artist known for her soaring pop sound, accompanied by Brian Conover on piano.
Brandon Tomasello to open Ocean City Pops Season with One-Man Rat Pack Spectacular on June 28th
(OCEAN CITY, NJ) -- Acclaimed vocalist and entertainer Brandon Tomasello will open the 2026 Ocean City Pops season with his highly anticipated "One-Man Rat Pack" concert on Sunday, June 28, at the historic Ocean City Music Pier. The Rat Pack will come to life musically on stage as local favorite Tomasello presents the timeless and unmistakable sounds of this remarkable musical era. Showtime is 7:30pm.
The Vogel presents Billy Bragg with special guest Sweet Petunia on Sunday
(RED BANK, NJ) -- The Vogel presents Billy Bragg with special guest Sweet Petunia on Sunday, June 28, 2026 at 8:00pm. Limited tickets remain.
Little Steven and the Disciples of Soul to Headline Concert at ParkStage on July 3rd
(FREEHOLD, NJ) -- Little Steven and the Disciples of Soul will headline a concert at ParkStage on Friday, July 3, 2026 that fans of Jersey music will love. The lineup includes Jake Clemons Band, Joe Grushecky and the Houserockers with Gary U.S. Bonds, Low Cut Connie, and The Weeklings. Showtime is 4:00pm.
Flamingosis to Bring Bright Moments 10th Anniversary Tour to Newark Culture Club
(NEWARK, NJ) -- Flamingosis is the stage name of Aaron Velasquez, a New Jersey-based DJ, beatboxer, and electronic music producer who is coming to Newark Culture Club on Friday, July 3, 2026 at 10:00pm. A special set by one world's leading DJs/producers!
The Sandbox at Seastreak presents Badfish on July 4th
(HIGHLANDS, NJ) -- Badfish is a vibe. Badfish is a sonic house party complete with plenty of gyrating fans sipping libations and enjoying various extracurricular activities. Simply put, Badfish is feel-good music. See for yourself when Badfish performs at The Sandbox at Seastreak on Saturday, July 4, 2026 at 7:00pm. It's a great way to celebrate the holiday!
MPAC presents Darren Criss on July 9th
(MORRISTOWN, NJ) -- Tony, Emmy and Golden Globe winner Darren Criss returns to Mayo Performing Arts Center for an all-new solo show on Thursday, July 9, 2026 at 8:00pm. Since bursting onto the pop-culture landscape over a decade ago in Fox's hit TV show Glee, Darren Criss has embodied the kind of kaleidoscopic artistry that's entirely uninhibited by form or genre.
Asbury Lanes presents There, There (A Tribute to Radiohead) on July 11th
(ASBURY PARK, NJ) -- There, There (A Tribute to Radiohead) will perform at Asbury Lanes on Saturday, July 11, 2026. Doors open at 7:00pm, showtime is 8:00pm.
2026 Maplewoodstock Music + Art Festival to Take Place July 11-12
(MAPLEWOOD, NJ) -- Going on 20+ years, the annual, free, two-day Maplewoodstock Music + Art Festival will take place the weekend of July 11-12, 2026, in Memorial Park in Maplewood. The festival features performances by Anders Osborne, Lettuce, Slap Dragon, and Megan Jean's Secret Family. It kicks off with music at noon and ends around 9:30pm each night. As always, it is free and welcomes the entire community.
bergenPAC presents Warrant on July 12th
(ENGLEWOOD, NJ) -- Bergen Performing Arts Center (bergenPAC) presents Warrant on Sunday, July 12, 2026 at 7:00pm. The California band first hit it big in 1989 with their album Dirty Rotten Filthy Stinking Rich.
FEATURED EVENTS
