By Rosemary Conte
originally published: 12/25/2017
What to Do with A Holiday Tradition
(Sing to the tune of “Makin’ Whoopee”)
(Verse)
Christmas is over. Resolutions are done.
Released all my guilt. Except for just one.
In a world where there’s hunger, I threw in the dumpster,
A WallMart Fruitcake.
Nobody likes it. It’s hard to digest
It plugs up your plumbing. And you know the rest.
It’s not uplifting. It’s for re-gifting,
Department store fruitcake.
(Chorus)
A di-a-mond is for-ever. A fruitcake is too, I fear.
If I gave someone that fruitcake, I might get it back next year.
(Verse)
Keep it in foil. It ain’t gonna spoil,
It’s dark and it’s rich, like Iranian oil
My guilt is ending. An idea is blending.
For using Fruitcake.
Send all the fruitcake, off to Iraq
Going that far, we won’t get it back.
A drone for the mission, with Trump’s permission,
To bomb with fruitcake.
(Chorus)
We’ll make the Middle East, safe for Democra-cy
Picture the world-wide headlines: “U.S. constipates enemy”
(Verse)
It’s hard and it’s heavy. It lands and explodes.
No mortar no shrapnel, just orange peel and cloves.
No collateral damage. That’s an advantage
Of firing Fruitcake
Let’s turn it over… to the FDA
To pull it from stores by April or May
Don’t wanna destroy it…just wanna deploy it,
Department store Fruitcake!
(Big, Bill Murray lounge singer finish)
That Wal-Mart Fruitcake!
Civics Song
(Sing to the tune of “Auld Lang Syne”)
Should old b’grudges be forgot
And never left to roam
In minds of Trenton politics
In the state that I call home.
Oh, legislators we don’t want
Our living costs to climb
Please govern so efficiently
That I keep the house that’s mine!
To anyone who didn’t show
This past election day
Are you the one who thought your voice
Wouldn’t matter anyway?
Well, thanks, my friend if you showed up
At the polling place to vote
Phil Murphy has some work to do
(Cutting taxes seems remote.)
He’s gotta get that tunnel dug
From “N” “J” to Gotham town
Then find a way to pay for schools
So our seniors stick around.
Be sure to get what you deserve,
Go to council meetings (free)
Speak up about what’s going on
In your municipality!
Happy New Year!
EVENT PREVIEWS
Essex County Summer Players Orchestra present "Made in America" on August 2nd
(LIVINGSTON, NJ) -- As local residents and friends stroll, bike or jog around the Livingston Oval on Tuesday evenings this July, musicians from several community orchestras are gathering in the township's high school band room to celebrate works "Made in America."
Grammy-Winning Superstars Erica Campbell and Jonathan McReynolds to Headline 2026 Gospel Music Festival
(NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ) -- Middlesex County, as part of its FolkLIVE free community event series, will host its third annual Gospel Music Festival in New Brunswick (2 Livingston Ave) on Saturday, July 25, 2026, from 3:30pm to 7:30pm. This year's star-studded lineup features multi-Grammy-winning performer Erica Campbell—known both for her solo work and as part of the dynamic "Mary Mary" duo—and Billboard chart-topper Jonathan McReynolds as the headliners.
Mahwah Museum Hosts "Unlock the Fretboard" Guitar Workshop with Mark Sganga on July 25th
(MAHWAH, NJ) -- Guitar players of all levels are invited to "Unlock the Fretboard," a hands-on guitar workshop taking place on Saturday, July 25, from 11:00am to 2:00pm, with a short break included, at The Mahwah Museum. The workshop will be taught by Mark Sganga, an International Fingerstyle Guitar Champion, bringing expert instruction and high-level musicianship to this special event. Designed to help players better understand the fretboard through a system of caged chords and scales, the workshop offers practical strategies that participants can apply immediately in their playing.
The 2026 Sourland Mountain Fest to Take Place July 25th
(RINGOES, NJ) -- The Sourland Mountain Fest is back for its 21st year on Saturday, July 25, 2026. It promises a summer afternoon of soulful talent, tasty bites, refreshing drinks and meaningful dialogue on why the Sourland Region is so important to Central Jersey, and why it's more important than ever to protect it. Performers include Gravity Hill, The Swiss Guard, Hickory, Jake Thistle, and headliners The Harrisons and Company.
Centenary Stage Company's Summerfest 2026 presents FOUR STICKS: The Music of Led Zeppelin on July 25th
(HACKETTSTOWN, NJ) -- Centenary Stage Company's Summerfest 2026 continues with an electrifying evening of classic rock as FOUR STICKS: The Music of Led Zeppelin takes the stage on Saturday, July 25, 2026 at 8:00pm in the Sitnik Theatre of the Lackland Performing Arts Center.
Centenary Stage Company presents FOUR STICKS: The Music of Led Zeppelin on July 25th
(HACKETTSTOWN, NJ) -- Centenary Stage Company's Summerfest 2026 continues with an electrifying evening of classic rock as FOUR STICKS: The Music of Led Zeppelin takes the stage on Saturday, July 25 in the Sitnik Theatre of the Lackland Performing Arts Center. Showtime is 8:00pm.
Lyceum Hall Center for the Arts presents the Music of 1776 & Hamilton: A Revolutionary Revue
(BURLINGTON, NJ) -- Lyceum Hall Center for the Arts presents The Music of 1776 & Hamilton: A Revolutionary Revue on Saturday, July 25, 2026 at 7:00pm. They're keeping our country's 250th celebration going with inspiring songs from these two fantastic musicals sung by four incredible vocalists!
bergenPAC presents Little Feat: The Last Farewell Tour
(ENGLEWOOD, NJ) -- Bergen Performing Arts Center (bergenPAC) presents Little Feat: The Last Farewell Tour on Saturday, July 25, 2026 at 8:00pm. Playing is the joy and satisfaction of touring, but it comes with the hard part -- travel, the endless miles on a bus. There's no dodging the wear and tear, and Little Feat has been playing for quite a while.
Ocean Grove Camp Meeting Association presents A Celebration of the Silver Screen on Saturday
(OCEAN GROVE, NJ) -- Ocean Grove Camp Meeting Association presents A Celebration of the Silver Screen on Saturday, July 25, 2026 at the Great Auditorium. Maestro Jason Tramm leads the 50-piece MidAtlantic Philharmonic Orchestra in an unforgettable evening of cinematic splendor. From sweeping Hollywood epics to iconic modern classics, this symphonic celebration brings the magic of film music to life with dazzling orchestral color.Showtime is 7:00pm.
Lizzie Rose Music Room presents Jeffrey Gaines on July 26th
(TUCKERTON, NJ) -- The Lizzie Rose Music Room presents Jeffrey Gaines on Sunday, July 26, 2026 at 7:30pm. Gaines has been heralded for his soul-searching lyrics and his powerful live performances. With only his voice and a guitar for accompaniment, Gaines has earned a reputation as a captivating performer, entertaining his audiences worldwide.
FEATURED EVENTS
