By Rosemary Conte
originally published: 12/25/2017
What to Do with A Holiday Tradition
(Sing to the tune of “Makin’ Whoopee”)
(Verse)
Christmas is over. Resolutions are done.
Released all my guilt. Except for just one.
In a world where there’s hunger, I threw in the dumpster,
A WallMart Fruitcake.
Nobody likes it. It’s hard to digest
It plugs up your plumbing. And you know the rest.
It’s not uplifting. It’s for re-gifting,
Department store fruitcake.
(Chorus)
A di-a-mond is for-ever. A fruitcake is too, I fear.
If I gave someone that fruitcake, I might get it back next year.
(Verse)
Keep it in foil. It ain’t gonna spoil,
It’s dark and it’s rich, like Iranian oil
My guilt is ending. An idea is blending.
For using Fruitcake.
Send all the fruitcake, off to Iraq
Going that far, we won’t get it back.
A drone for the mission, with Trump’s permission,
To bomb with fruitcake.
(Chorus)
We’ll make the Middle East, safe for Democra-cy
Picture the world-wide headlines: “U.S. constipates enemy”
(Verse)
It’s hard and it’s heavy. It lands and explodes.
No mortar no shrapnel, just orange peel and cloves.
No collateral damage. That’s an advantage
Of firing Fruitcake
Let’s turn it over… to the FDA
To pull it from stores by April or May
Don’t wanna destroy it…just wanna deploy it,
Department store Fruitcake!
(Big, Bill Murray lounge singer finish)
That Wal-Mart Fruitcake!
Civics Song
(Sing to the tune of “Auld Lang Syne”)
Should old b’grudges be forgot
And never left to roam
In minds of Trenton politics
In the state that I call home.
Oh, legislators we don’t want
Our living costs to climb
Please govern so efficiently
That I keep the house that’s mine!
To anyone who didn’t show
This past election day
Are you the one who thought your voice
Wouldn’t matter anyway?
Well, thanks, my friend if you showed up
At the polling place to vote
Phil Murphy has some work to do
(Cutting taxes seems remote.)
He’s gotta get that tunnel dug
From “N” “J” to Gotham town
Then find a way to pay for schools
So our seniors stick around.
Be sure to get what you deserve,
Go to council meetings (free)
Speak up about what’s going on
In your municipality!
Happy New Year!
EVENT PREVIEWS
Outpost in the Burbs presents Rhett Miller of Old 97's
(MONTCLAIR, NJ) -- Outpost in the Burbs presents Rhett Miller on Saturday, April 25, 2026 at 8:00pm. Rhett is a revered singer-songwriter known for his more than three decades fronting the popular rock band Old 97's who were honored with a Lifetime Achievement Award during the 2025 Americana Awards at Nashville's Ryman Auditorium.
Clint Black Brings His Back On The Blacktop Tour with Special Guest Gareth to CarteretPAC on April 25th
(CARTERET, NJ) -- Clint Black Brings His Back On The Blacktop Tour with Special Guest Gareth to the URSB Carteret Performing Arts and Events Center on Saturday, April 25, 2026 at 8:00pm.
The Chapin Family presents: Harry Chapin’s Greatest Stories LIVE
(WAYNE, NJ) -- The Chapin Family presents: Harry Chapin’s Greatest Stories LIVE on Saturday, April 25, 2026 at the Shea Center for Performing Arts. In the long rich history of Family Groups in American Roots Music, this family has a special place. When these singers, songwriters and extraordinary live performers come together, magic happens. Showtime is 8:00pm.
Sold-Out Cabaret Returns: The Light Between – A Modern Cabaret Comes to Lincroft on April 25th
(LINCROFT, NJ) -- After selling out 200 seats in just days, The Light Between – A Modern Cabaret returns for a special encore performance Saturday, April 25, 2026 at The Earth Room at the Unitarian Universalist Congregation of Monmouth County. Created and performed by PJ Casbar and Tom McCormack, the show blends original music, musical-theater favorites, and modern pop into a character-driven cabaret evening that moves between humor, storytelling, and moments of theatrical surprise. Showtime is 7:30pm.
The Newton Theatre presents Kashmir: The Spirit of Led Zeppelin - 55/50 TOUR
(NEWTON, NJ) -- Kashmir: The Spirit of Led Zeppelin brings its 55/50 TOUR to The Newton Theatre on Saturday, April 25, 2026 at 8:00pm. The tour celebrates two groundbreaking albums - the 55th anniversary of Led Zeppelin IV and the 50th anniversary of Presence. This tour promises an unforgettable journey through the soundscapes that have influenced generations and continue to inspire.
João Bosco Quartet - 80th Birthday Celebration of Brazilian Music Legend João Bosco to take place at McCarter Theatre on April 25th
(PRINCETON, NJ) -- McCarter Theatre Center presents the João Bosco Quartet in a special performance celebrating the legendary Brazilian artist's 80th birthday and more than five decades of groundbreaking music-making on Saturday, April 25, 2026 at 7:30pm. Presented in association with Brazil LAB, this performance celebrates João Bosco’s extraordinary career.
Albert Music Hall presents a Modern Country Music Show on Saturday
(WARETOWN, NJ) -- On any given night at Albert Music Hall, audiences are more likely to hear early honky-tonk or the songs of Johnny Cash than the modern country sounds of artists like Luke Combs or Miranda Lambert. That will change on Saturday, April 25, 2026, when the Hall leans into the modern era with a special show dedicated to new country music.
New Brunswick Performing Arts Center (NBPAC) presents Yellow Brick Road - A Tribute to Elton John on Saturday
(NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ) -- The New Brunswick Performing Arts Center (NBPAC) presents Yellow Brick Road - A Tribute to Elton John on Saturday, April 25, 2026 at 8:00pm. Limited tickets remain.
Tony Award Nominee Eva Noblezada to close Kean Stage's 2025-2026 season
(HILLSIDE, NJ) -- An Evening with Eva Noblezada will close Kean Stage's 2025-2026 season on Sunday, April 26 at Enlow Recital Hall in Hillside. The two-time Tony Award nominee brings a set list full of class, quirkiness and heartbreak as she takes you on her personal journey of discovering a deep love for music and theatre. Enjoy songs from classic musicals that take you back in time, and pop hits reimagined as if they were set in a sexy smoky speakeasy. Showtime is 7:00pm.
Jazz Vespers Service at Burlington Quaker Meeting House to Feature Internationally Acclaimed Musicians Diane Monroe and Tony Miceli
(BURLINGTON, NJ) -- The historic Burlington Quaker Meeting House will come alive with the sound of jazz on Saturday, April 11, 2026, as internationally acclaimed violinist Diane Monroe and South Jersey native vibraphonist Tony Miceli headline a special Joyful Noise Jazz Vespers Service blending music, reflection, and community. Showtime is 3:00pm.
