By Rosemary Conte
originally published: 12/25/2017
What to Do with A Holiday Tradition
(Sing to the tune of “Makin’ Whoopee”)
(Verse)
Christmas is over. Resolutions are done.
Released all my guilt. Except for just one.
In a world where there’s hunger, I threw in the dumpster,
A WallMart Fruitcake.
Nobody likes it. It’s hard to digest
It plugs up your plumbing. And you know the rest.
It’s not uplifting. It’s for re-gifting,
Department store fruitcake.
(Chorus)
A di-a-mond is for-ever. A fruitcake is too, I fear.
If I gave someone that fruitcake, I might get it back next year.
(Verse)
Keep it in foil. It ain’t gonna spoil,
It’s dark and it’s rich, like Iranian oil
My guilt is ending. An idea is blending.
For using Fruitcake.
Send all the fruitcake, off to Iraq
Going that far, we won’t get it back.
A drone for the mission, with Trump’s permission,
To bomb with fruitcake.
(Chorus)
We’ll make the Middle East, safe for Democra-cy
Picture the world-wide headlines: “U.S. constipates enemy”
(Verse)
It’s hard and it’s heavy. It lands and explodes.
No mortar no shrapnel, just orange peel and cloves.
No collateral damage. That’s an advantage
Of firing Fruitcake
Let’s turn it over… to the FDA
To pull it from stores by April or May
Don’t wanna destroy it…just wanna deploy it,
Department store Fruitcake!
(Big, Bill Murray lounge singer finish)
That Wal-Mart Fruitcake!
Civics Song
(Sing to the tune of “Auld Lang Syne”)
Should old b’grudges be forgot
And never left to roam
In minds of Trenton politics
In the state that I call home.
Oh, legislators we don’t want
Our living costs to climb
Please govern so efficiently
That I keep the house that’s mine!
To anyone who didn’t show
This past election day
Are you the one who thought your voice
Wouldn’t matter anyway?
Well, thanks, my friend if you showed up
At the polling place to vote
Phil Murphy has some work to do
(Cutting taxes seems remote.)
He’s gotta get that tunnel dug
From “N” “J” to Gotham town
Then find a way to pay for schools
So our seniors stick around.
Be sure to get what you deserve,
Go to council meetings (free)
Speak up about what’s going on
In your municipality!
Happy New Year!
EVENT PREVIEWS
Tony Award Nominee Joshua Henry to open Kean Stage's 2026-2027 season
(HILLSIDE, NJ) -- Kean Stage is thrilled to announce that Joshua Henry, three-time Tony nominee and star of Lincoln Center Theater's Ragtime, will open their 2026-2027 season with two performances of his show Get Up, Stand Up! on Sunday, September 13, 2026 at 2:00pm & 7:00pm at Enlow Recital Hall (215 North Avenue) in Hillside.
Carteret Performing Arts & Events Center presents Country Icon Trace Adkins in September
(CARTERET, NJ) -- Multi-PLATINUM entertainer Trace Adkins will bring his 30th Anniversary Tour to the URSB Carteret Performing Arts & Events Center on Friday, September 18, 2026, for one night only. The show is part of Adkins' nationwide headline tour celebrating 30 years of chart-topping hits and powerhouse live performances. Showtime is 8:00pm.
The Levoy Theatre presents Big Bad Voodoo Daddy on September 22nd
(MILLVILLE, NJ) -- The Levoy Theatre presents Big Bad Voodoo Daddy on Wednesday, September 22, 2026 at 7:00pm. This year marked 33 years since the band arrived on the music scene.
NJPAC presents Salsa icon Tito Nieves on September 26th
(NEWARK, NJ) -- The internationally celebrated Salsa icon, Tito Nieves - affectionately known as "El Pavarotti de la Salsa" - is set to electrify the New Jersey Performing Arts Center (NJPAC) on Saturday, September 26, 2026 at 8:00pm with his tour, "50 Años La Historia... Continúa." The performance will take place at NJPAC's prestigious Prudential Hall, Betty Wold Johnson Stage.
New Jersey Film Festival Fall 2026 Includes a Concert Featuring Two Bands of Rutgers Students
(NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ) -- Hanging Coats and Lawns, part of New Brunswick's basement music scene, take the stage for an audio-visual performance on October 2 , 2026 from 7:00pm to 9:00pm. A Rutgers student is injecting some sonic youth from the New Brunswick music scene into this year's New Jersey Fall Film Festival.
CarteretPAC presents W.A.S.P. with "1984 to Headless" Tour
(CARTERET, NJ) -- W.A.S.P. brings its "1984 To Headless" Fall North American Tour to the Carteret Performing Arts & Events Center on Saturday, October 3, 2026 at 8:00pm. The band will pay tribute to their 1st Four Albums... Live! The lineup includes Special Guest KK's Priest.
Outpost in the Burbs presents James Maddock on October 11th
(MONTCLAIR, NJ) -- Outpost in the Burbs presents James Maddock on Sunday, October 11, 2026 at the First Congregational Church in Montclair. Maddock's status as a fixture on the Folk and Americana scene is confirmed with every listen of any song in his prodigious catalog. Showtime is 7:30pm.
Five For Fighting String Quartet Tour to Play Shows in NY/NJ/PA
(NEWTON, NJ) -- Grammy® nominated, platinum-selling artist, Five For Fighting (aka John Ondrasik) will bring his ever popular Five For Fighting String Quartet Tour back out on the road this September and October. There are several shows coming to the local area including two in New Jersey: Sunday, September 20 at The Newton Theatre and Tuesday, October 13, 2026 at The Vogel in Red Bank.
Outpost in the Burbs presents Suzanne Vega - Flying with Angels on October 30th
(MONTCLAIR, NJ) -- Outpost in the Burbs presents Suzanne Vega - Flying with Angels on October 30, 2026 at 8:00pm (doors at 7:00pm). The concert will take place at the First Congregational Church (40 South Fullerton Avenue) in Montclair.
FEATURED EVENTS
