By Rosemary Conte
originally published: 12/25/2017
What to Do with A Holiday Tradition
(Sing to the tune of “Makin’ Whoopee”)
(Verse)
Christmas is over. Resolutions are done.
Released all my guilt. Except for just one.
In a world where there’s hunger, I threw in the dumpster,
A WallMart Fruitcake.
Nobody likes it. It’s hard to digest
It plugs up your plumbing. And you know the rest.
It’s not uplifting. It’s for re-gifting,
Department store fruitcake.
(Chorus)
A di-a-mond is for-ever. A fruitcake is too, I fear.
If I gave someone that fruitcake, I might get it back next year.
(Verse)
Keep it in foil. It ain’t gonna spoil,
It’s dark and it’s rich, like Iranian oil
My guilt is ending. An idea is blending.
For using Fruitcake.
Send all the fruitcake, off to Iraq
Going that far, we won’t get it back.
A drone for the mission, with Trump’s permission,
To bomb with fruitcake.
(Chorus)
We’ll make the Middle East, safe for Democra-cy
Picture the world-wide headlines: “U.S. constipates enemy”
(Verse)
It’s hard and it’s heavy. It lands and explodes.
No mortar no shrapnel, just orange peel and cloves.
No collateral damage. That’s an advantage
Of firing Fruitcake
Let’s turn it over… to the FDA
To pull it from stores by April or May
Don’t wanna destroy it…just wanna deploy it,
Department store Fruitcake!
(Big, Bill Murray lounge singer finish)
That Wal-Mart Fruitcake!
Civics Song
(Sing to the tune of “Auld Lang Syne”)
Should old b’grudges be forgot
And never left to roam
In minds of Trenton politics
In the state that I call home.
Oh, legislators we don’t want
Our living costs to climb
Please govern so efficiently
That I keep the house that’s mine!
To anyone who didn’t show
This past election day
Are you the one who thought your voice
Wouldn’t matter anyway?
Well, thanks, my friend if you showed up
At the polling place to vote
Phil Murphy has some work to do
(Cutting taxes seems remote.)
He’s gotta get that tunnel dug
From “N” “J” to Gotham town
Then find a way to pay for schools
So our seniors stick around.
Be sure to get what you deserve,
Go to council meetings (free)
Speak up about what’s going on
In your municipality!
Happy New Year!
EVENT PREVIEWS
Borgata presents Switchfoot on March 28th
(ATLANTIC CITY, NJ) -- Borgata Event Center presents Switchfoot on Saturday, March 28, 2026 at 8:00pm. Limited tickets remain for the alternative rock band.
'Club Clemans' Welcomes Singer Tommy Cono on March 28th
(CAPE MAY, NJ) -- The new East Lynne Theater Company continues this season with its original music series, Club Clemans, with singer Tommy Cono in "The Voice of Tribute," for one night only, March 28, 2026 at the Clemans Theater for the Arts at the Allen AME Church.
Grunin Center for the Arts presents Brass Queens on Saturday
(TOMS RIVER, NJ) -- Grunin Center for the Arts presents Brass Queens on Saturday, March 28, 2026 at 7:00pm. Brass Queens is a female-led, New York-based brass band that has been dominating the brass band scene since 2019.
Bluesman Selwyn Birchwood to celebrate album release at Lizzie Rose Music Room on Saturday
(TUCKERTON, NJ) -- Award-winning visionary bluesman Selwyn Birchwood will celebrate album release at Lizzie Rose Music Room on Saturday, March 28, 2026 at 7:30pm. His fifth Alligator Records album, Electric Swamp Funkin' Blues, is released a day earlier.
Kaplen JCC on the Palisades presents 2026 "Gift of Music" Scholarship Benefit Concert Celebrating Dorothy Kaplan Roffman
(TENAFLY, NJ) -- The Kaplen JCC on the Palisades Thurnauer School of Music presents the 2026 Gift of Music Scholarship Benefit Concert, taking place Sunday, March 29, 2026, at the Kaplen JCC on the Palisades. The event celebrates the extraordinary 41-year legacy of Dorothy Kaplan Roffman, founding director of the Thurnauer School of Music, whose leadership and vision have shaped one of the region's premier community music schools.
Great Music on the Morristown Green & Music at St. Peter's presents Duruflé's "Requiem"
(MORRISTOWN, NJ) -- Great Music on the Morristown Green is pleased to be collaborating with Music at St. Peter's to present Maurice Duruflé's transcendent Requiem (Opus 9) on Sunday, March 29, 2026, in the glorious acoustics of St. Peter's Episcopal Church (121 South Street) in Morristown. Showtime is 5:00pm.
Kean Stage presents An Evening with Isaac Mizrahi on March 29th
(HILLSIDE, NJ) -- Kean Stage presents An Evening with Isaac Mizrahi on Sunday, March 29, 2026 at Enlow Recital Hall (215 North Avenue) in Hillside. His one-of-a-kind show brings together comedy, commentary, and an array of classic and soon-to-be classic songs from Stephen Sondheim to Blondie, from Comden & Green to Madonna. Accompanied by his six-piece jazz band. Showtime is 7:00pm.
Cryptid Records launches "Surviving the Music Industry" series
(PHILADELPHIA, PA) -- Philly-based Cryptid Records is a label where community matters, artists thrive, and contracts don't come with fangs. The team of professionals that run the operation – Jessie Bonney-Burrill, Sean Bonney-Burrill, Maddy Rose Weisman and Gabe Banford – have diverse backgrounds in music, visual art, mental health, and business strategy. Their passion for working with musicians and artists is evident in the album roll-out for Burning at Both Ends, the forthcoming LP from the label's first signing, rising independent artist Hit Like a Girl.
