By Rosemary Conte
originally published: 12/25/2017
What to Do with A Holiday Tradition
(Sing to the tune of “Makin’ Whoopee”)
(Verse)
Christmas is over. Resolutions are done.
Released all my guilt. Except for just one.
In a world where there’s hunger, I threw in the dumpster,
A WallMart Fruitcake.
Nobody likes it. It’s hard to digest
It plugs up your plumbing. And you know the rest.
It’s not uplifting. It’s for re-gifting,
Department store fruitcake.
(Chorus)
A di-a-mond is for-ever. A fruitcake is too, I fear.
If I gave someone that fruitcake, I might get it back next year.
(Verse)
Keep it in foil. It ain’t gonna spoil,
It’s dark and it’s rich, like Iranian oil
My guilt is ending. An idea is blending.
For using Fruitcake.
Send all the fruitcake, off to Iraq
Going that far, we won’t get it back.
A drone for the mission, with Trump’s permission,
To bomb with fruitcake.
(Chorus)
We’ll make the Middle East, safe for Democra-cy
Picture the world-wide headlines: “U.S. constipates enemy”
(Verse)
It’s hard and it’s heavy. It lands and explodes.
No mortar no shrapnel, just orange peel and cloves.
No collateral damage. That’s an advantage
Of firing Fruitcake
Let’s turn it over… to the FDA
To pull it from stores by April or May
Don’t wanna destroy it…just wanna deploy it,
Department store Fruitcake!
(Big, Bill Murray lounge singer finish)
That Wal-Mart Fruitcake!
Civics Song
(Sing to the tune of “Auld Lang Syne”)
Should old b’grudges be forgot
And never left to roam
In minds of Trenton politics
In the state that I call home.
Oh, legislators we don’t want
Our living costs to climb
Please govern so efficiently
That I keep the house that’s mine!
To anyone who didn’t show
This past election day
Are you the one who thought your voice
Wouldn’t matter anyway?
Well, thanks, my friend if you showed up
At the polling place to vote
Phil Murphy has some work to do
(Cutting taxes seems remote.)
He’s gotta get that tunnel dug
From “N” “J” to Gotham town
Then find a way to pay for schools
So our seniors stick around.
Be sure to get what you deserve,
Go to council meetings (free)
Speak up about what’s going on
In your municipality!
Happy New Year!
EVENT PREVIEWS
The The Band Band presents The Last Walz Celebration 50th Anniversary 2026 Tour at The Newton Theatre
(NEWTON, NJ) -- The The Band Band presents The Last Walz Celebration 50th Anniversary 2026 Tour at The Newton Theatre on Saturday, June 27, 2026. Doors are at 7:00pm; showtime is 8:00pm.
Brian Ostering presents The Elvis Spectacular at Middletown Arts Center on June 27th
(MIDDLETOWN, NJ) -- Jersey Shore musician Brian Ostering from The Wag is stepping out of his comfort zone with The Elvis Spectacular - "The Early Years" Concert on Saturday, June 27, 2026 at the Middletown Arts Center. This is the first time he has performed an Elvis show and it's a tribute to his father who helped pass down his passion for Elvis to Brian. I reached out to Brian to learn more about the show.
Asbury Underground returns June 27th as part of North to Shore Festival
(ASBURY PARK, NJ) -- Asbury Underground returns on June 27, 2026 as part of the North to Shore Festival and there's a terrific lineup of artists again. Performances take place at venues throughout Asbury Park.
Hard Rock Live at Etess Arena presents James Taylor and His All-Star Band on Saturday
(ATLANTIC CITY, NJ) -- Hard Rock Live at Etess Arena presents James Taylor and His All-Star Band on Saturday, June 27, 2026 at 7:30pm. This intimate concert promises an evening of soulful vocals, masterful guitar, and a legendary lineup of musicians bringing each song to life.
Gateway Playhouse to produce "Concert For A Cure" Fundraiser on June 28th
(SOMERS POINT, NJ) -- Gateway Playhouse is producing Concert for a Cure, a three-part show highlighting three different musical acts on June 28, 2026, as a special fundraising event for three different cancer organizations: the American Cancer Society (ACS), Gilda's Club of Linwood, and Wigs & Wishes by Martino Cartier of Sewell. The event will feature three original musical acts: Tide ll Moon, a Philadelphia- based indie rock band formed by Drexel University film students; Steven Lemon, a South Jersey indie pop/rock/folk artist with a songwriting career that spans two decades; and Rachel Burghen, a dynamic South Jersey crossover artist known for her soaring pop sound, accompanied by Brian Conover on piano.
Brandon Tomasello to open Ocean City Pops Season with One-Man Rat Pack Spectacular on June 28th
(OCEAN CITY, NJ) -- Acclaimed vocalist and entertainer Brandon Tomasello will open the 2026 Ocean City Pops season with his highly anticipated "One-Man Rat Pack" concert on Sunday, June 28, at the historic Ocean City Music Pier. The Rat Pack will come to life musically on stage as local favorite Tomasello presents the timeless and unmistakable sounds of this remarkable musical era. Showtime is 7:30pm.
The Vogel presents Billy Bragg with special guest Sweet Petunia on Sunday
(RED BANK, NJ) -- The Vogel presents Billy Bragg with special guest Sweet Petunia on Sunday, June 28, 2026 at 8:00pm. Limited tickets remain.
Little Steven and the Disciples of Soul to Headline Concert at ParkStage on July 3rd
(FREEHOLD, NJ) -- Little Steven and the Disciples of Soul will headline a concert at ParkStage on Friday, July 3, 2026 that fans of Jersey music will love. The lineup includes Jake Clemons Band, Joe Grushecky and the Houserockers with Gary U.S. Bonds, Low Cut Connie, and The Weeklings. Showtime is 4:00pm.
Flamingosis to Bring Bright Moments 10th Anniversary Tour to Newark Culture Club
(NEWARK, NJ) -- Flamingosis is the stage name of Aaron Velasquez, a New Jersey-based DJ, beatboxer, and electronic music producer who is coming to Newark Culture Club on Friday, July 3, 2026 at 10:00pm. A special set by one world's leading DJs/producers!
The Sandbox at Seastreak presents Badfish on July 4th
(HIGHLANDS, NJ) -- Badfish is a vibe. Badfish is a sonic house party complete with plenty of gyrating fans sipping libations and enjoying various extracurricular activities. Simply put, Badfish is feel-good music. See for yourself when Badfish performs at The Sandbox at Seastreak on Saturday, July 4, 2026 at 7:00pm. It's a great way to celebrate the holiday!
FEATURED EVENTS
