By Rosemary Conte
originally published: 12/25/2017
What to Do with A Holiday Tradition
(Sing to the tune of “Makin’ Whoopee”)
(Verse)
Christmas is over. Resolutions are done.
Released all my guilt. Except for just one.
In a world where there’s hunger, I threw in the dumpster,
A WallMart Fruitcake.
Nobody likes it. It’s hard to digest
It plugs up your plumbing. And you know the rest.
It’s not uplifting. It’s for re-gifting,
Department store fruitcake.
(Chorus)
A di-a-mond is for-ever. A fruitcake is too, I fear.
If I gave someone that fruitcake, I might get it back next year.
(Verse)
Keep it in foil. It ain’t gonna spoil,
It’s dark and it’s rich, like Iranian oil
My guilt is ending. An idea is blending.
For using Fruitcake.
Send all the fruitcake, off to Iraq
Going that far, we won’t get it back.
A drone for the mission, with Trump’s permission,
To bomb with fruitcake.
(Chorus)
We’ll make the Middle East, safe for Democra-cy
Picture the world-wide headlines: “U.S. constipates enemy”
(Verse)
It’s hard and it’s heavy. It lands and explodes.
No mortar no shrapnel, just orange peel and cloves.
No collateral damage. That’s an advantage
Of firing Fruitcake
Let’s turn it over… to the FDA
To pull it from stores by April or May
Don’t wanna destroy it…just wanna deploy it,
Department store Fruitcake!
(Big, Bill Murray lounge singer finish)
That Wal-Mart Fruitcake!
Civics Song
(Sing to the tune of “Auld Lang Syne”)
Should old b’grudges be forgot
And never left to roam
In minds of Trenton politics
In the state that I call home.
Oh, legislators we don’t want
Our living costs to climb
Please govern so efficiently
That I keep the house that’s mine!
To anyone who didn’t show
This past election day
Are you the one who thought your voice
Wouldn’t matter anyway?
Well, thanks, my friend if you showed up
At the polling place to vote
Phil Murphy has some work to do
(Cutting taxes seems remote.)
He’s gotta get that tunnel dug
From “N” “J” to Gotham town
Then find a way to pay for schools
So our seniors stick around.
Be sure to get what you deserve,
Go to council meetings (free)
Speak up about what’s going on
In your municipality!
Happy New Year!
EVENT PREVIEWS
Prudential Center presents Reggae stars Beres Hammond and Beenie Man on August 20th
(NEWARK, NJ) -- Newark will see a night of reggae's best when Beres Hammond and Beenie Man perform live at Prudential Center on Saturday, August 20, 2026 at 8:00pm. Experience the artistry of Beres Hammond, one of Jamaica's most esteemed vocalists, as he graces the stage with Marcia Griffiths and Baby Cham. It will be an exceptional evening featuring the captivating performances of reggae music, showcasing soulful melodies and heartfelt expressions.
MPAC presents Glen Burtnik's Summer of Love Concert on August 20th
(MORRISTOWN, NJ) -- Relive the memories, share the spirit and celebrate the songs of the Woodstock Generation when Glen Burtnik's Summer of Love concert comes to Mayo Performing Arts Center (MPAC) on Thursday, August 20, 2026 at 8:00pm.
Middletown Arts Center presents an Indoor Summer Nights Singer-Songwriter Showcase on August 20th
(MIDDLETOWN, NJ) -- The Middletown Arts Center invites music lovers to an Indoor Summer Nights Concert: Singer/Songwriter Showcase on Thursday, August 20, 2026 in the MAC Theater. Enjoy an evening of original music and exceptional live performances from some of New Jersey’s talented singer-songwriters, including Shotgun Bill, Dan Toye, Christian Beach, Michael Brett, Erika Sherger, Frank Patrouch, Jim Crawford, Roger Gardella, Kevin Liebkemann, and Stu Coogan. Showtime is 7:00pm.
Hunterdon Hills Playhouse presents Vegas Country Show
(HAMPTON, NJ) -- Hunterdon Hills Playhouse presents Vegas Country Show August 21-23, 2026. Get ready for a night of country hits, high energy, and pure star power as Vegas Country brings the music of Shania Twain and Tim McGraw to life.
WBJB's Songwriters on the Beach series presents Nicole Atkins on August 27th
(BRADLEY BEACH, NJ) -- WBJB's Songwriters on the Beach presents Nicole Atkins on Thursday, August 27, 2026 at 7:00pm. Cory Blair will open the night. The free outdoor concert takes place at the Newark Avenue Beach in Bradley Beach. ** The show was rescheduled from July 16th due to the Air Quality Alert issued across New Jersey.
51st Annual New Jersey Folk Festival to Take Place August 29th
(SOUTH BRUNSWICK, NJ) -- The New Jersey Folk Festival (NJFF) is back for the 51st year on Saturday, August 29, 2026 at Davidson's Mill Pond Park in South Brunswick. The event is free and open to the public. It runs from 11:00am to 5:00pm.
The Strand presents Matt Stone as Elvis on August 29th
(LAKEWOOD, NJ) -- Most 22-year-olds are chasing the next trend, scrolling through TikTok, and binging Love Island. Matt Stone has spent the last decade looking in the opposite direction.
McCarter Theatre Center presents Mei Semones on September 4th
(PRINCETON, NJ) -- McCarter Theatre Center presents Brooklyn-based singer-songwriter Mei Semones in the Berlind Theatre on Friday, September 4, 2026 at 7:30pm. Drawing on her background in jazz guitar and her Japanese heritage, she blends inventive harmonies, intricate rhythms, and bilingual lyricism into a sound that is both intimate and exploratory.
51st NJ Clearwater Festival to Take Place Labor Day Weekend in Asbury Park
(ASBURY PARK, NJ) -- New Jersey Friends of Clearwater invites everyone to start their Labor Day Weekend at its free 51st Annual Clearwater Festival Saturday September 5, 2026, a late summer, family-friendly celebration of great live music, Mother Earth and more in Sunset Park near the ocean in Asbury Park.
The Machine performs Pink Floyd at The Newton Theatre on September 5th
(NEWTON, NJ) -- The Machine Performs Pink Floyd on Saturday, September 5, 2026 at the Newton Theatre. The band has forged a nearly 40 year reputation of extending the musical legacy of Pink Floyd. Showtime is 8:00pm.
FEATURED EVENTS
