By Rosemary Conte
originally published: 12/25/2017
What to Do with A Holiday Tradition
(Sing to the tune of “Makin’ Whoopee”)
(Verse)
Christmas is over. Resolutions are done.
Released all my guilt. Except for just one.
In a world where there’s hunger, I threw in the dumpster,
A WallMart Fruitcake.
Nobody likes it. It’s hard to digest
It plugs up your plumbing. And you know the rest.
It’s not uplifting. It’s for re-gifting,
Department store fruitcake.
(Chorus)
A di-a-mond is for-ever. A fruitcake is too, I fear.
If I gave someone that fruitcake, I might get it back next year.
(Verse)
Keep it in foil. It ain’t gonna spoil,
It’s dark and it’s rich, like Iranian oil
My guilt is ending. An idea is blending.
For using Fruitcake.
Send all the fruitcake, off to Iraq
Going that far, we won’t get it back.
A drone for the mission, with Trump’s permission,
To bomb with fruitcake.
(Chorus)
We’ll make the Middle East, safe for Democra-cy
Picture the world-wide headlines: “U.S. constipates enemy”
(Verse)
It’s hard and it’s heavy. It lands and explodes.
No mortar no shrapnel, just orange peel and cloves.
No collateral damage. That’s an advantage
Of firing Fruitcake
Let’s turn it over… to the FDA
To pull it from stores by April or May
Don’t wanna destroy it…just wanna deploy it,
Department store Fruitcake!
(Big, Bill Murray lounge singer finish)
That Wal-Mart Fruitcake!
Civics Song
(Sing to the tune of “Auld Lang Syne”)
Should old b’grudges be forgot
And never left to roam
In minds of Trenton politics
In the state that I call home.
Oh, legislators we don’t want
Our living costs to climb
Please govern so efficiently
That I keep the house that’s mine!
To anyone who didn’t show
This past election day
Are you the one who thought your voice
Wouldn’t matter anyway?
Well, thanks, my friend if you showed up
At the polling place to vote
Phil Murphy has some work to do
(Cutting taxes seems remote.)
He’s gotta get that tunnel dug
From “N” “J” to Gotham town
Then find a way to pay for schools
So our seniors stick around.
Be sure to get what you deserve,
Go to council meetings (free)
Speak up about what’s going on
In your municipality!
Happy New Year!
EVENT PREVIEWS
The Sandbox at Seastreak presents Badfish on July 4th
(HIGHLANDS, NJ) -- Badfish is a vibe. Badfish is a sonic house party complete with plenty of gyrating fans sipping libations and enjoying various extracurricular activities. Simply put, Badfish is feel-good music. See for yourself when Badfish performs at The Sandbox at Seastreak on Saturday, July 4, 2026 at 7:00pm. It's a great way to celebrate the holiday!
MPAC presents Darren Criss on July 9th
(MORRISTOWN, NJ) -- Tony, Emmy and Golden Globe winner Darren Criss returns to Mayo Performing Arts Center for an all-new solo show on Thursday, July 9, 2026 at 8:00pm. Since bursting onto the pop-culture landscape over a decade ago in Fox's hit TV show Glee, Darren Criss has embodied the kind of kaleidoscopic artistry that's entirely uninhibited by form or genre.
Lizzie Rose Music Room presents Bell Bottom Blues on July 10th
(TUCKERTON, NJ) -- Bell Bottom Blues returns to the Lizzie Rose Music Room on Friday, July 10, 2026. The band was formed in 2007 with the vision of providing an audience with a true Eric Clapton Experience. Showtime is 7:30pm.
Basie Center to Honor Kate Pierson and Fred Schneider of The B-52s, Dramarama on Walk of Fame
(RED BANK, NJ) -- The Count Basie Center for the Arts will honor Kate Pierson and Fred Schneider of The B-52s and Dramarama by welcoming them onto its Walk of Fame. Pierson and Schneider will be inducted during a special ceremony on Friday, July 10, 2026 at 12:00pm, outside the historic theater in Red Bank, ahead of The B-52s’ concert at ParkStage in Freehold on Saturday, July 11. Dramarama, also performing at that concert, will be presented with a commemorative plaque at the show.
Asbury Lanes presents There, There (A Tribute to Radiohead) on July 11th
(ASBURY PARK, NJ) -- There, There (A Tribute to Radiohead) will perform at Asbury Lanes on Saturday, July 11, 2026. Doors open at 7:00pm, showtime is 8:00pm.
Newton Theatre presents Dio Rules: Tribute to Rainbow, Black Sabbath & Dio on July 11th
(NEWTON, NJ) -- One voice. Three legendary bands. One unforgettable decade of rock. DIO RULES is a powerful live concert experience celebrating the music and legacy of Ronnie James Dio, one of the most influential voices in the history of hard rock and heavy metal. See for yourself when the band comes to The Newton Theatre on Saturday, July 11, 2026 at 8:00pm.
2026 Maplewoodstock Music + Art Festival to Take Place July 11-12
(MAPLEWOOD, NJ) -- Going on 20+ years, the annual, free, two-day Maplewoodstock Music + Art Festival will take place the weekend of July 11-12, 2026, in Memorial Park in Maplewood. The festival features performances by Anders Osborne, Lettuce, Slap Dragon, and Megan Jean's Secret Family. It kicks off with music at noon and ends around 9:30pm each night. As always, it is free and welcomes the entire community.
bergenPAC presents Warrant on July 12th
(ENGLEWOOD, NJ) -- Bergen Performing Arts Center (bergenPAC) presents Warrant on Sunday, July 12, 2026 at 7:00pm. The California band first hit it big in 1989 with their album Dirty Rotten Filthy Stinking Rich.
Benson Boone to Perform at Prudential Center on July 13th
(NEWARK, NJ) -- Benson Boone brings his 2026 U.S. Wanted Man Tour to the Prudential Center in Newark on Monday, July 13, 2026 at 8:00pm. Last year, Boone received his first GRAMMY® nomination for Best New Artist at the 67th Annual GRAMMY® Awards, where Boone delivered a show-stopping performance of his breakthrough smash "Beautiful Things."
Good Damage to perform at House of Independents on July 15th
(ASBURY PARK, NJ) -- New Jersey alt rock/pop-punk band Good Damage will return to the House of Independents on Wednesday, July 15, 2026 supporting American Vanity and Faded 2 Gray. This will be the band's third time playing the venue. Doors are at 7:00pm, music starts at 8:00pm.
FEATURED EVENTS
