By Rosemary Conte
originally published: 12/25/2017
What to Do with A Holiday Tradition
(Sing to the tune of “Makin’ Whoopee”)
(Verse)
Christmas is over. Resolutions are done.
Released all my guilt. Except for just one.
In a world where there’s hunger, I threw in the dumpster,
A WallMart Fruitcake.
Nobody likes it. It’s hard to digest
It plugs up your plumbing. And you know the rest.
It’s not uplifting. It’s for re-gifting,
Department store fruitcake.
(Chorus)
A di-a-mond is for-ever. A fruitcake is too, I fear.
If I gave someone that fruitcake, I might get it back next year.
(Verse)
Keep it in foil. It ain’t gonna spoil,
It’s dark and it’s rich, like Iranian oil
My guilt is ending. An idea is blending.
For using Fruitcake.
Send all the fruitcake, off to Iraq
Going that far, we won’t get it back.
A drone for the mission, with Trump’s permission,
To bomb with fruitcake.
(Chorus)
We’ll make the Middle East, safe for Democra-cy
Picture the world-wide headlines: “U.S. constipates enemy”
(Verse)
It’s hard and it’s heavy. It lands and explodes.
No mortar no shrapnel, just orange peel and cloves.
No collateral damage. That’s an advantage
Of firing Fruitcake
Let’s turn it over… to the FDA
To pull it from stores by April or May
Don’t wanna destroy it…just wanna deploy it,
Department store Fruitcake!
(Big, Bill Murray lounge singer finish)
That Wal-Mart Fruitcake!
Civics Song
(Sing to the tune of “Auld Lang Syne”)
Should old b’grudges be forgot
And never left to roam
In minds of Trenton politics
In the state that I call home.
Oh, legislators we don’t want
Our living costs to climb
Please govern so efficiently
That I keep the house that’s mine!
To anyone who didn’t show
This past election day
Are you the one who thought your voice
Wouldn’t matter anyway?
Well, thanks, my friend if you showed up
At the polling place to vote
Phil Murphy has some work to do
(Cutting taxes seems remote.)
He’s gotta get that tunnel dug
From “N” “J” to Gotham town
Then find a way to pay for schools
So our seniors stick around.
Be sure to get what you deserve,
Go to council meetings (free)
Speak up about what’s going on
In your municipality!
Happy New Year!
EVENT PREVIEWS
Levoy Theatre presents Paul Thorn on June 18th
(MILLVILLE, NJ) -- The Levoy Theatre presents Paul Thorn on Thursday, June 18, 2026 at 7:30pm. When it comes to songwriting, less is more, and simplicity is strength. Just ask Paul Thorn, who’s spent three decades turning soulful grooves and small syllables into songs that pack a big wallop.
Erin Harpe & Countryman Jim Bring Award-Nominated Country Blues to Lizzie Rose Music Room on June 18th
(TUCKERTON, NJ) -- Award-nominated country blues duo Erin Harpe & Countryman Jim will bring their captivating blend of traditional country blues, folk, and Americana to the Lizzie Rose Music Room on Thursday, June 18, 2026 at 7:30pm.
The Black Crowes and Whiskey Myers to Perform at Prudential Center
(NEWARK, NJ) -- Genre-defying rock legends The Black Crowes bring their massive co-headlining Southern Hospitality Tour with modern rock's boundary-pushing powerhouse Whiskey Myers to Prudential Center in Newark on Saturday, June 20, 2026 at 8:00pm.
Carteret PAC presents Los Lobos and Los Lonely Boys on June 20th
(CARTERET, NJ) -- Los Lobos and Los Lonely Boys bring The Brotherhood Tour to Carteret Performing Arts & Events Center on Saturday, June 20, 2026 at 8:00pm. Tickets range from $58-$108.
The North Jersey Blues Society presents "Blues & Brews" featuring BBD Rhythm & Blues Band on June 21st
(MONTCLAIR, NJ) -- The North Jersey Blues Society presents "Blues & Brews" featuring BBD Rhythm & Blues Band at the Montclair Brewery on Sunday, June 21, 2026. The event runs from 5:30pm to 7:30pm.
Going Acoustic at Quig's to Mark 4 Years with Featured Sets from Emily Drinker and Gina LC on June 22nd
(PHILADELPHIA, PA) -- Four years in, Going Acoustic at Quig's is still doing what it does best: creating a welcoming space where artists feel comfortable to take risks, and audiences are lucky enough to hear it unfold. On Monday, June 22, 2026 the beloved open mic series returns to Quig's Pub for its 4th Anniversary Show, with featured performances from Emily Drinker and Gina LC, alongside the series' signature blend of emerging voices and open mic performers.
Cape May Point Arts and Science Center presents Grammy-Nominated Blues artist Guy Davis on June 24th
(CAPE MAY POINT, NJ) -- On Wednesday, June 24, 2026, musician, storyteller and two-time Grammy Nominee for Best Traditional Blues, Guy Davis, will perform at The Cape May Point Arts and Science Center.
American Theater Group and Union Arts Center present Katerina McCrimmon: Naked Concert on June 26th
(UNION, NJ) -- American Theater Group (ATG), in partnership with the Union Arts Center, will present Katerina McCrimmon's acclaimed solo concert, Naked, which has played to sold-out audiences across the country, including at Joe's Pub and Lincoln Center. Directed by Henry Gainza, it will come to the DMK Black Box Theater at the Union Arts Center for one performance only, on Fri.day, June 26, 2026 at 7:00pm.
MPAC presents Straight No Chaser on June 26th
(MORRISTOWN, NJ) -- A cappella favorite Straight No Chaser brings its summer-themed Beach Bash to Mayo Performing Arts Center (MPAC) on Friday, June 26, 2026 at 8:00pm. Tickets range from $57-$114 (All fees included).
Asbury Lanes presents Matthew Curry and Erik Mason Band on June 26th
(ASBURY PARK, NJ) -- Acclaimed singer-songwriter Matthew Curry sets off on his 2026 Spring/Summer "One For The Ride" Tour (named for his new Ruf Records album release) with a performance at Asbury Lanes on Friday, June 26, 2026. Erik Mason Band will open the night. Showtime is 8:00pm.
FEATURED EVENTS
