By Rosemary Conte
originally published: 12/25/2017
What to Do with A Holiday Tradition
(Sing to the tune of “Makin’ Whoopee”)
(Verse)
Christmas is over. Resolutions are done.
Released all my guilt. Except for just one.
In a world where there’s hunger, I threw in the dumpster,
A WallMart Fruitcake.
Nobody likes it. It’s hard to digest
It plugs up your plumbing. And you know the rest.
It’s not uplifting. It’s for re-gifting,
Department store fruitcake.
(Chorus)
A di-a-mond is for-ever. A fruitcake is too, I fear.
If I gave someone that fruitcake, I might get it back next year.
(Verse)
Keep it in foil. It ain’t gonna spoil,
It’s dark and it’s rich, like Iranian oil
My guilt is ending. An idea is blending.
For using Fruitcake.
Send all the fruitcake, off to Iraq
Going that far, we won’t get it back.
A drone for the mission, with Trump’s permission,
To bomb with fruitcake.
(Chorus)
We’ll make the Middle East, safe for Democra-cy
Picture the world-wide headlines: “U.S. constipates enemy”
(Verse)
It’s hard and it’s heavy. It lands and explodes.
No mortar no shrapnel, just orange peel and cloves.
No collateral damage. That’s an advantage
Of firing Fruitcake
Let’s turn it over… to the FDA
To pull it from stores by April or May
Don’t wanna destroy it…just wanna deploy it,
Department store Fruitcake!
(Big, Bill Murray lounge singer finish)
That Wal-Mart Fruitcake!
Civics Song
(Sing to the tune of “Auld Lang Syne”)
Should old b’grudges be forgot
And never left to roam
In minds of Trenton politics
In the state that I call home.
Oh, legislators we don’t want
Our living costs to climb
Please govern so efficiently
That I keep the house that’s mine!
To anyone who didn’t show
This past election day
Are you the one who thought your voice
Wouldn’t matter anyway?
Well, thanks, my friend if you showed up
At the polling place to vote
Phil Murphy has some work to do
(Cutting taxes seems remote.)
He’s gotta get that tunnel dug
From “N” “J” to Gotham town
Then find a way to pay for schools
So our seniors stick around.
Be sure to get what you deserve,
Go to council meetings (free)
Speak up about what’s going on
In your municipality!
Happy New Year!
EVENT PREVIEWS
MPAC presents Patti LaBelle on April 17th
(MORRISTOWN, NJ) -- Legendary vocalist Patti LaBelle comes to Mayo Performing Arts Center (MPAC) on Friday, April 17, 2026 at 8:00pm. Beautiful, simply does not describe the incomparable force known to the world as Patti LaBelle. Through the years, the songbird's name has become synonymous with grace, style, and class.
Killer Queen to Perform at Scottish Rite Auditorium
(COLLINGSWOOD, NJ) -- Killer Queen, the award-winning UK-based Queen Tribute featuring the incredible Patrick Myers as Freddie Mercury, will perform at the Scottish Rite Auditorium on Friday, April 17, 2026 at 8:00pm. The group's ambitious twelve-week 2026 US Tour runs from April 16 to October 23.
Count Basie Center for the Arts presents Melissa Etheridge: RISE TOUR
(RED BANK, NJ) -- Count Basie Center for the Arts presents Melissa Etheridge: RISE TOUR on Friday, April 17, 2026 at 8:00pm. Known for her confessional lyrics and raspy, smoky vocals, Etheridge has remained one of America's favorite female singers for more than two decades. A limited number of tickets remain for the show.
The Princeton Folk Music Society presents Simple Gifts on April 17th
(PRINCETON, NJ) -- The Princeton Folk Music Society presents Simple Gifts on Friday, April 17, 2026 at Christ Congregation Church. Two women plus ten instruments equal one good time when the award-winning duo of Linda Littleton and Karen Hirshon take the stage. Showtime is 8:00pm.
Remember Jones to present 50th Anniversary Celebration of Stevie Wonder's "Songs in the Key of Life"
(RED BANK, NJ) -- Remember Jones will present a 50th Anniversary Celebration of Stevie Wonder's Songs in the Key of Life - a one night only theatrical event featuring the ENTIRE album and MORE Stevie Wonder hits with a full expanded band, Count Basie Center Gospel Choir, and Very Special Guests on Saturday, April 18, 2026 at Count Basie Center for the Arts.
Algonquin Arts Theatre presents Yesterday and Today: The Interactive Beatles Experience
(MANASQUAN, NJ) -- Algonquin Arts Theatre presents Yesterday and Today: The Interactive Beatles Experience on Saturday, April 18, 2026 at 2:00pm. This is a unique experience that puts the audience in control.
MPAC presents Tony Danza: Standards and Stories on April 18th
(MORRISTOWN, NJ) -- Popular entertainer Tony Danza brings his Standards and Stories concert to Mayo Performing Arts Center (MPAC) on Saturday, April 18, 2026 at 8:00pm. Combining timeless music with wit, charm, storytelling, and a dash of soft shoe and ukulele performances, Danza performs a selection of his favorite standards from the Great American Songbook while interweaving stories about his life and personal connection to the music.
Split Level Concerts presents Lucy Kaplansky at Jersey Shore Arts Center; Dave Vargo to Open
(OCEAN GROVE, NJ) -- Contemporary folk stalwart Lucy Kaplansky will perform at Jersey Shore Arts Center on Saturday, April 18, 2026 at 8:00pm. Jersey-born songwriter and guitarist Dave Vargo will open the show. The show is part of the on-going Split Level Concerts Series which highlights renowned Americana and contemporary folk musicians in a uniquely intimate setting.
State Theatre New Jersey presents '60s Rock 'n Roll Revival
(NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ) -- State Theatre New Jersey presents '60s Rock 'N Roll Revival on Saturday, April 18, 2026 at 7:00pm. The evening features performances by Jay and the Americans, The Grass Roots, The Lovin' Spoonful, and The Brooklyn Bridge.
Actor, Writer, Designer Isaac Mizrahi to Bring Six-Piece Jazz Band to Stockton on April 18th
(GALLOWAY, NJ) -- Actor, writer, designer and producer Isaac Mizrahi will blend comedy, storytelling and jazz for a performance at Stockton University's Performing Arts Center on Saturday, April 18, 2026. Showtime is 7:30pm.
