By Rosemary Conte
originally published: 12/25/2017
What to Do with A Holiday Tradition
(Sing to the tune of “Makin’ Whoopee”)
(Verse)
Christmas is over. Resolutions are done.
Released all my guilt. Except for just one.
In a world where there’s hunger, I threw in the dumpster,
A WallMart Fruitcake.
Nobody likes it. It’s hard to digest
It plugs up your plumbing. And you know the rest.
It’s not uplifting. It’s for re-gifting,
Department store fruitcake.
(Chorus)
A di-a-mond is for-ever. A fruitcake is too, I fear.
If I gave someone that fruitcake, I might get it back next year.
(Verse)
Keep it in foil. It ain’t gonna spoil,
It’s dark and it’s rich, like Iranian oil
My guilt is ending. An idea is blending.
For using Fruitcake.
Send all the fruitcake, off to Iraq
Going that far, we won’t get it back.
A drone for the mission, with Trump’s permission,
To bomb with fruitcake.
(Chorus)
We’ll make the Middle East, safe for Democra-cy
Picture the world-wide headlines: “U.S. constipates enemy”
(Verse)
It’s hard and it’s heavy. It lands and explodes.
No mortar no shrapnel, just orange peel and cloves.
No collateral damage. That’s an advantage
Of firing Fruitcake
Let’s turn it over… to the FDA
To pull it from stores by April or May
Don’t wanna destroy it…just wanna deploy it,
Department store Fruitcake!
(Big, Bill Murray lounge singer finish)
That Wal-Mart Fruitcake!
Civics Song
(Sing to the tune of “Auld Lang Syne”)
Should old b’grudges be forgot
And never left to roam
In minds of Trenton politics
In the state that I call home.
Oh, legislators we don’t want
Our living costs to climb
Please govern so efficiently
That I keep the house that’s mine!
To anyone who didn’t show
This past election day
Are you the one who thought your voice
Wouldn’t matter anyway?
Well, thanks, my friend if you showed up
At the polling place to vote
Phil Murphy has some work to do
(Cutting taxes seems remote.)
He’s gotta get that tunnel dug
From “N” “J” to Gotham town
Then find a way to pay for schools
So our seniors stick around.
Be sure to get what you deserve,
Go to council meetings (free)
Speak up about what’s going on
In your municipality!
Happy New Year!
EVENT PREVIEWS
Avenel PAC presents 20,000 Roads: The Music of Gram Parsons featuring Pat Guadagno, James Maddock & Lisa Bouchelle
(AVENEL, NJ) -- The dynamic trio of Pat Guadagno, James Maddock, and Lisa Bouchelle, accompanied by a powerhouse band of 'First Call' musicians, including Saturday Night Live drummer Shawn Pelton, come together to deliver 20,000 Roads: The Music of Gram Parsons, a soulful and heartfelt celebration of the timeless catalog of one of American music's most influential pioneers. The show comes to the Avenel Performing Arts Center on Wednesday, April 29, 2026 at 7:30pm.
Bergen Pop/Rock Ensemble Brings Revives the '90s with The Roots of Pop & Rock Volume III
(PARAMUS, NJ) -- Bergen Community College's talented Pop/Rock Ensemble returns to the stage for one electrifying night of '90s favorites with The Roots of Pop & Rock Volume III, a live tribute to the unforgettable sounds of this influential decade. Join the ensemble on a journey back to a time when alternative rock reshaped mainstream radio and pop music soared to new creative heights. The diverse array of artists being paid tribute to will run the gamut from Nirvana and Green Day to No Doubt and the Spice Girls to Selena and Shakira.
South Jersey Jazz Society to Honor Bob Ferguson
(LINWOOD, NJ) -- The South Jersey Jazz Society will honor Bob Ferguson with the 2026 "George Mesterhazy" Jazz Master award at a gala event to be held on Thursday, April 30, 2026 at Linwood Country Club starting at 6:30pm.
South Jersey Jazz Association To Honor Bob Ferguson At Awards Ceremony on April 30th
(LINWOOD, NJ) -- The South Jersey Jazz Society will honor trumpeter Bob Ferguson with the 2026 George Mesterhazy Jazz Master Award at a gala event on Thursday, April 30, 2026 at Linwood Country Club. The award, named for a much-beloved local jazz pianist who made a lasting mark on the great American art form of jazz, is given to individuals who have greatly contributed to the performance of jazz both locally and nationally.
Lizzie Rose Music Room presents Alastair Green on April 30th
(TUCKERTON, NJ) -- The Lizzie Rose Music Room presents Alastair Greene on Thursday, April 30, 2026 at 7:30pm. A native of Santa Barbara,California and now residing in Austin, Greene has ridden his Blues-soaked rock into the 21st century, traversing a constantly changing global (and musical) landscape.
Hey Bulldog to Pay Tribute to The Beatles at Liberty Science Center
(JERSEY CITY, NJ) -- Hey Bulldog will perform a tribute to The Beatles in the Planetarium at Liberty Science Center on Thursday, April 30, 2026 from 8:00pm to 10:00pm. Come see one of the area's best Beatles cover bands perform some good old fashioned no fuss rock and roll!
Ocean Casino Resort presents UB40 Featuring Ali Campbell
(ATLANTIC CITY, NJ) -- Fronted by the unmistakable voice of Ali Campbell, UB40 Featuring Ali Campbell will be bringing their Big Love Tour to Ocean Casino Resort in Atlantic City with Matisyahu on Friday, May 1, 2026. Showtime is 9:00pm.
Tuckerton Porchfest returns May 2nd with Music, Poetry, Art & Community along Main Street
(TUCKERTON, NJ) -- Tuckerton Porchfest returns on Saturday, May 2, 2026 (rain date: May 3rd) from 11:00am to 4:00pm, transforming Main Street into a vibrant, walkable celebration of local creativity. Featuring live music, poetry, visual art, vendors, and community experiences, this grassroots festival invites attendees to explore multiple porch stages hosted by local businesses and residents.
Lizzie Rose Music Room presents Cold Shot on Saturday
(TUCKERTON, NJ) -- The Lizzie Rose Music Room presents Cold Shot on Saturday, May 2, 2026 at 7:30pm. The band is dedicated to capturing the electrifying energy and soulful sound of legendary Texas blues guitarist Stevie Ray Vaughan.
bergenPAC presents Six-Time Tony Award (R) Winner Audra McDonald on May 3rd
(ENGLEWOOD, NJ) -- Six-time Tony Award® winner Audra McDonald will play a one-night-only concert at bergenPAC (Bergen Performing Arts Center) on Sunday, May 3, 2026 at 7:00pm.
