By Rosemary Conte
originally published: 12/25/2017
What to Do with A Holiday Tradition
(Sing to the tune of “Makin’ Whoopee”)
(Verse)
Christmas is over. Resolutions are done.
Released all my guilt. Except for just one.
In a world where there’s hunger, I threw in the dumpster,
A WallMart Fruitcake.
Nobody likes it. It’s hard to digest
It plugs up your plumbing. And you know the rest.
It’s not uplifting. It’s for re-gifting,
Department store fruitcake.
(Chorus)
A di-a-mond is for-ever. A fruitcake is too, I fear.
If I gave someone that fruitcake, I might get it back next year.
(Verse)
Keep it in foil. It ain’t gonna spoil,
It’s dark and it’s rich, like Iranian oil
My guilt is ending. An idea is blending.
For using Fruitcake.
Send all the fruitcake, off to Iraq
Going that far, we won’t get it back.
A drone for the mission, with Trump’s permission,
To bomb with fruitcake.
(Chorus)
We’ll make the Middle East, safe for Democra-cy
Picture the world-wide headlines: “U.S. constipates enemy”
(Verse)
It’s hard and it’s heavy. It lands and explodes.
No mortar no shrapnel, just orange peel and cloves.
No collateral damage. That’s an advantage
Of firing Fruitcake
Let’s turn it over… to the FDA
To pull it from stores by April or May
Don’t wanna destroy it…just wanna deploy it,
Department store Fruitcake!
(Big, Bill Murray lounge singer finish)
That Wal-Mart Fruitcake!
Civics Song
(Sing to the tune of “Auld Lang Syne”)
Should old b’grudges be forgot
And never left to roam
In minds of Trenton politics
In the state that I call home.
Oh, legislators we don’t want
Our living costs to climb
Please govern so efficiently
That I keep the house that’s mine!
To anyone who didn’t show
This past election day
Are you the one who thought your voice
Wouldn’t matter anyway?
Well, thanks, my friend if you showed up
At the polling place to vote
Phil Murphy has some work to do
(Cutting taxes seems remote.)
He’s gotta get that tunnel dug
From “N” “J” to Gotham town
Then find a way to pay for schools
So our seniors stick around.
Be sure to get what you deserve,
Go to council meetings (free)
Speak up about what’s going on
In your municipality!
Happy New Year!
EVENT PREVIEWS
State Theatre presents Graham Nash in April
(NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ) -- State Theatre New Jersey presents Graham Nash - Live on Tour 2026 on Saturday, April 11 at 8:00pm. Graham Nash will perform a career-spanning retrospective of his six decades of contributions to contemporary music. Tickets start at $47.
Outpost in the Burbs and Montclair Film presents the Music of John Prine: Film and Concert
(MONTCLAIR, NJ) -- Outpost in the Burbs and Montclair Film presents "In Spite of Ourselves," a concert and film screening of You Got Gold, on Saturday, April 11, 2026. The concert and film are a tribute to the music of the legendary singer-songwriter John Prine.
RVCC Theatre presents Rolling Stones Tribute Band on April 11th
(BRANCHBURG, NJ) -- The Theatre at Raritan Valley Community College's Mainstage series will rock out its season with a performance of Satisfaction: The International Rolling Stones Tribute Show, Saturday, April 11, 2026 at 7:00pm.
State Theatre New Jersey and Metropolitan Entertainment present Graham Nash
(NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ) -- State Theatre New Jersey and Metropolitan Entertainment present Graham Nash - Live on Tour 2026 on Saturday, April 11, 2026 at 8:00pm. Nash will perform a career-spanning retrospective from his six decades of contributions to contemporary music.
Grunin Center presents Latin Grammy Award Winner, Nella
(TOMS RIVER, NJ) -- Renowned singer Nella brings her multilingual artistry to Ocean County College, performing on Saturday, April 11, 2026 at the Grunin Center for the Arts. Showtime is 7:00pm.
Kean Stage presents Tito Puente, Jr.
(UNION, NJ) -- Tito Puente Jr., son of legendary American salsa and Latin jazz musician Tito Puente, will perform at Kean Stage on Saturday, April 11, 2026. The concert takes in Wilkins Theatre at 7:30pm.
The Stone Pony presents Glen Hansard on April 11th
(ASBURY PARK, NJ) -- The Stone Pony presents Glen Hansard and special guest Margaret Glaspy on Saturday, April 11, 2026 at 7:00pm.
Five-time GRAMMY Winner Angélique Kidjo Comes to McCarter Theatre Center on April 11th
(PRINCETON, NJ) -- Five-time GRAMMY Award winner Angélique Kidjo comes to McCarter Theatre Center on Saturday, April 11, 2026 at 7:30pm for an electrifying evening of music spanning her extraordinary career. The performance is part of a limited six-city U.S. tour before Kidjo continues to Europe for a series of international festival appearances.
The Broadway Theatre of Pitman presents Red Hot - All Girl Motley Crue on Saturday
(PITMAN, NJ) -- The Broadway Theatre of Pitman presents Red Hot - All Girl Motley Crüe on Saturday, April 11, 2026 at 8:00pm. Ladies and gentlemen, get ready to experience the most electrifying, high-voltage rock show on the planet! These fierce, unapologetic rockers don’t just pay tribute to Mötley Crüe—they live it.
