By Rosemary Conte
originally published: 12/25/2017
What to Do with A Holiday Tradition
(Sing to the tune of “Makin’ Whoopee”)
(Verse)
Christmas is over. Resolutions are done.
Released all my guilt. Except for just one.
In a world where there’s hunger, I threw in the dumpster,
A WallMart Fruitcake.
Nobody likes it. It’s hard to digest
It plugs up your plumbing. And you know the rest.
It’s not uplifting. It’s for re-gifting,
Department store fruitcake.
(Chorus)
A di-a-mond is for-ever. A fruitcake is too, I fear.
If I gave someone that fruitcake, I might get it back next year.
(Verse)
Keep it in foil. It ain’t gonna spoil,
It’s dark and it’s rich, like Iranian oil
My guilt is ending. An idea is blending.
For using Fruitcake.
Send all the fruitcake, off to Iraq
Going that far, we won’t get it back.
A drone for the mission, with Trump’s permission,
To bomb with fruitcake.
(Chorus)
We’ll make the Middle East, safe for Democra-cy
Picture the world-wide headlines: “U.S. constipates enemy”
(Verse)
It’s hard and it’s heavy. It lands and explodes.
No mortar no shrapnel, just orange peel and cloves.
No collateral damage. That’s an advantage
Of firing Fruitcake
Let’s turn it over… to the FDA
To pull it from stores by April or May
Don’t wanna destroy it…just wanna deploy it,
Department store Fruitcake!
(Big, Bill Murray lounge singer finish)
That Wal-Mart Fruitcake!
Civics Song
(Sing to the tune of “Auld Lang Syne”)
Should old b’grudges be forgot
And never left to roam
In minds of Trenton politics
In the state that I call home.
Oh, legislators we don’t want
Our living costs to climb
Please govern so efficiently
That I keep the house that’s mine!
To anyone who didn’t show
This past election day
Are you the one who thought your voice
Wouldn’t matter anyway?
Well, thanks, my friend if you showed up
At the polling place to vote
Phil Murphy has some work to do
(Cutting taxes seems remote.)
He’s gotta get that tunnel dug
From “N” “J” to Gotham town
Then find a way to pay for schools
So our seniors stick around.
Be sure to get what you deserve,
Go to council meetings (free)
Speak up about what’s going on
In your municipality!
Happy New Year!
EVENT PREVIEWS
Wellmont Theater presents The Wallflowers on May 9th
(MONTCLAIR, NJ) -- The Wellmont Theater presents The Wallflowers on Saturday, May 9, 2026 at 8:00pm. The band is touring in support of the 30th anniversary of their landmark album, Bringing Down the Horse. The band will perform their classic album in its entirety, in sequence.
The Newton Theatre presents Lita Ford on May 9th
(NEWTON, NJ) -- The Newton Theatre presents Lita Ford in concert on Saturday, May 9, 2026 at 8:00pm. With a legacy that spans nearly five decades, Lita Ford continues to inspire generations of musicians— solidifying even more, her place as an icon, pioneer, and true Queen of Rock.
Monmouth County Park System presents 2026 Creative Arts Festival on May 9th
(LINCROFT, NJ) -- The Monmouth County Park System is hosting its annual Creative Arts Festival on Saturday, May 9, 2026 from 10:00am-4:00pm at Thompson Park. This celebration of the arts features more than 50 specially selected artists in a variety of mediums such as pottery, painting, jewelry, and more. This family-friendly festival also includes live music, engaging art demonstrations, and children’s art-based activities.
Grunin Center presents Taylor Simon King on May 9th
(TOMS RIVER, NJ) -- Grunin Center for the Arts presents Taylor Simon King - Celebrating Three American Troubadours on Saturday, May 9, 2026 at 7:30pm. The show features James Gedeon, Lisa Sherman, and Alice Leon paying tribute to James Taylor, Carly Simon, and Carole King. Limited tickets remain.
Scottish Rite Auditorium presents The Robert Cray Band
(COLLINGSWOOD, NJ) -- Scottish Rite Auditorium presents The Robert Cray Band on Saturday, May 9, 2026 at 8:00pm. Blues icon. Soul man. Rock and roller. Robert Cray is all these things – and more.
"A Musical Celebration with a Purpose" to Bring Grammy-Winning Musicians to Leonia
(LEONIA, NJ) -- Everyone is invited to an unforgettable evening of music and philanthropy at "A Musical Celebration with a Purpose", a benefit concert on Saturday, May 9, 2026, at the Presbyterian Church in Leonia, NJ.
Cape May Music Festival opens with "WCCat;100: The Westminster Choir Looks Forward" on May 9th
(CAPE MAY, NJ) -- Performing a program celebrating the rich history of choral music, Cape May MAC (Museums+Arts+Culture) welcomes the renowned Westminster Choir of Westminster Choir College in New Jersey to open the 37th Annual Cape May Music Festival, Saturday, May 9, 2026 at the Episcopal Church of the Advent (712 Franklin Street) in Cape May. Showtime is 7:00pm.
Westminster Conservatory celebrates AAPI Heritage Month with a recital on May 9th
(LAWRENCEVILLE, NJ) -- On Saturday, May 9, 2026 at 7:00pm, Westminster Conservatory of Music of Rider University will present a faculty recital in celebration of National Asian American and Pacific Islander Heritage month. The concert will take place in the Gill Chapel and is open to the public free of charge.
Cumberland Players Concert Series presents Steven Lemon and Friends on Saturday
(VINELAND, NJ) -- Cumberland Players Concert Series presents Steven Lemon and Friends on Saturday, May 9, 2026 at 7:00pm. He will be joined by Della Valla Trio, Lizz Sooy, and Eric Shorter.
MPAC presents The Doo Wop Project on Saturday
(MORRISTOWN, NJ) -- Mayo Performing Arts Center (MPAC) presents The Doo Wop Project on Saturday, May 9, 2026 at 8:00pm. Limited tickets remain.
