By Rosemary Conte
originally published: 12/25/2017
What to Do with A Holiday Tradition
(Sing to the tune of “Makin’ Whoopee”)
(Verse)
Christmas is over. Resolutions are done.
Released all my guilt. Except for just one.
In a world where there’s hunger, I threw in the dumpster,
A WallMart Fruitcake.
Nobody likes it. It’s hard to digest
It plugs up your plumbing. And you know the rest.
It’s not uplifting. It’s for re-gifting,
Department store fruitcake.
(Chorus)
A di-a-mond is for-ever. A fruitcake is too, I fear.
If I gave someone that fruitcake, I might get it back next year.
(Verse)
Keep it in foil. It ain’t gonna spoil,
It’s dark and it’s rich, like Iranian oil
My guilt is ending. An idea is blending.
For using Fruitcake.
Send all the fruitcake, off to Iraq
Going that far, we won’t get it back.
A drone for the mission, with Trump’s permission,
To bomb with fruitcake.
(Chorus)
We’ll make the Middle East, safe for Democra-cy
Picture the world-wide headlines: “U.S. constipates enemy”
(Verse)
It’s hard and it’s heavy. It lands and explodes.
No mortar no shrapnel, just orange peel and cloves.
No collateral damage. That’s an advantage
Of firing Fruitcake
Let’s turn it over… to the FDA
To pull it from stores by April or May
Don’t wanna destroy it…just wanna deploy it,
Department store Fruitcake!
(Big, Bill Murray lounge singer finish)
That Wal-Mart Fruitcake!
Civics Song
(Sing to the tune of “Auld Lang Syne”)
Should old b’grudges be forgot
And never left to roam
In minds of Trenton politics
In the state that I call home.
Oh, legislators we don’t want
Our living costs to climb
Please govern so efficiently
That I keep the house that’s mine!
To anyone who didn’t show
This past election day
Are you the one who thought your voice
Wouldn’t matter anyway?
Well, thanks, my friend if you showed up
At the polling place to vote
Phil Murphy has some work to do
(Cutting taxes seems remote.)
He’s gotta get that tunnel dug
From “N” “J” to Gotham town
Then find a way to pay for schools
So our seniors stick around.
Be sure to get what you deserve,
Go to council meetings (free)
Speak up about what’s going on
In your municipality!
Happy New Year!
EVENT PREVIEWS
The Newton Theatre presents L.A. Guns on June 6th
(NEWTON, NJ) -- L.A. Guns comes to The Newton Theatre on Saturday, June 6, 2026 at 8:00pm. The band has been rocking for roughly 40 years since establishing themselves as the undisputed sleaze kings of the Sunset Strip, and, eventually, the world.
Jazz Royalty Comes to the Hamilton Stage on June 6th
(RAHWAY, NJ) -- Saturday, June 6, 2026 marks the date when Jazz Royalty comes to Hamilton Stage with Dizzy Gillespie alumni and Grammy winning bassist John Lee in collaboration with 16-time Grammy winner Paquito D' Rivera.
The Chamber Music Society of North Jersey presents "Music Under the June Moon" at Anderson Park
(MONTCLAIR, NJ) -- The Chamber Music Society of North Jersey presents "Music Under the June Moon" on Saturday, June 6, 2026 at Anderson Park. Bring a picnic and a blanket and enjoy an al fresco performance under the stars. Admission is free. Showtime is 7:30pm.
Algonquin Arts Theatre presents "The Boss Bash" featuring The B-Street Band
(MANASQUAN, NJ) -- Algonquin Arts Theatre will host its annual fundraising event, "The Boss Bash," on Saturday, June 6, 2026, featuring two electrifying performances by The B-Street Band — the longest-running and most requested tribute to Bruce Springsteen in the country.
Sinatra Celebration Concert To Swing in Ocean Grove This June
(OCEAN GROVE, NJ) -- Sinatra Celebration Concert, a theatrical special event to honor the legendary career of musical icon Frank Sinatra, is being presented by producer Karen Morris of Sand Castle Communications and The Rat Pack Music Alliance.
Broadcast Legend Sid Mark to be Remembered at Ocean Grove Event on June 7th
(OCEAN GROVE, NJ) -- Sid Mark, the popular and iconic radio host, sadly passed away four years ago, on April 18th, 2022. Sid’s son Brian Mark, Executive Producer of Orange Productions' nationally syndicated radio program The Sounds of Sinatra with Sid Mark, will be a very special host/guest speaker, at a musical event which will highlight the legacy of his father and celebrate the 70th Anniversary of The Sounds of Sinatra broadcast program.
Prudential Center presents Mexican superstar Carín León on June 7th
(NEWARK, NJ) -- Mexican superstar Carín León entered a bold new chapter of his acclaimed career with the release of Muda - his new studio album and one of the most eclectic of his catalog. See for yourself when he performs at the Prudential Center on Sunday, June 7, 2026. Showtime is 8:00pm.
Greater Princeton Youth Orchestra presents "Music in Bloom" on June 7th
(PRINCETON, NJ) -- The Greater Princeton Youth Orchestra (GPYO) will present its Spring Concert, Music in Bloom, on Sunday, June 7, 2026 at Richardson Auditorium on the Princeton University campus. The performance will feature GPYO's top ensembles in a dynamic program of orchestral works by Beethoven, Mozart, Tchaikovsky, Andrew Lloyd Webber, and John Philip Sousa. Showtime is 3:00pm.
The Vogel presents Jeffrey Gaines & Josh Joplin on June 7th
(RED BANK, NJ) -- The Vogel presents Jeffrey Gaines & Josh Joplin on Sunday, June 7, 2026 at 7:00pm. NOTE: This show was originally scheduled for May 14. All tickets will be honored on the new date.
Orion Weiss Returns to South Jersey on June 7th
(SEWELL, NJ) -- Music at Bunker Hill welcomes pianist Orion Weiss in his third appearance on their series on Sunday, June 7, 2026 at 3:00pm. Weiss is a "brilliant pianist" (The New York Times) with "powerful technique and exceptional insight" (The Washington Post).
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