By Rosemary Conte
originally published: 12/25/2017
What to Do with A Holiday Tradition
(Sing to the tune of “Makin’ Whoopee”)
(Verse)
Christmas is over. Resolutions are done.
Released all my guilt. Except for just one.
In a world where there’s hunger, I threw in the dumpster,
A WallMart Fruitcake.
Nobody likes it. It’s hard to digest
It plugs up your plumbing. And you know the rest.
It’s not uplifting. It’s for re-gifting,
Department store fruitcake.
(Chorus)
A di-a-mond is for-ever. A fruitcake is too, I fear.
If I gave someone that fruitcake, I might get it back next year.
(Verse)
Keep it in foil. It ain’t gonna spoil,
It’s dark and it’s rich, like Iranian oil
My guilt is ending. An idea is blending.
For using Fruitcake.
Send all the fruitcake, off to Iraq
Going that far, we won’t get it back.
A drone for the mission, with Trump’s permission,
To bomb with fruitcake.
(Chorus)
We’ll make the Middle East, safe for Democra-cy
Picture the world-wide headlines: “U.S. constipates enemy”
(Verse)
It’s hard and it’s heavy. It lands and explodes.
No mortar no shrapnel, just orange peel and cloves.
No collateral damage. That’s an advantage
Of firing Fruitcake
Let’s turn it over… to the FDA
To pull it from stores by April or May
Don’t wanna destroy it…just wanna deploy it,
Department store Fruitcake!
(Big, Bill Murray lounge singer finish)
That Wal-Mart Fruitcake!
Civics Song
(Sing to the tune of “Auld Lang Syne”)
Should old b’grudges be forgot
And never left to roam
In minds of Trenton politics
In the state that I call home.
Oh, legislators we don’t want
Our living costs to climb
Please govern so efficiently
That I keep the house that’s mine!
To anyone who didn’t show
This past election day
Are you the one who thought your voice
Wouldn’t matter anyway?
Well, thanks, my friend if you showed up
At the polling place to vote
Phil Murphy has some work to do
(Cutting taxes seems remote.)
He’s gotta get that tunnel dug
From “N” “J” to Gotham town
Then find a way to pay for schools
So our seniors stick around.
Be sure to get what you deserve,
Go to council meetings (free)
Speak up about what’s going on
In your municipality!
Happy New Year!
EVENT PREVIEWS
Essex County Summer Players Orchestra present "Made in America" on August 2nd
(LIVINGSTON, NJ) -- As local residents and friends stroll, bike or jog around the Livingston Oval on Tuesday evenings this July, musicians from several community orchestras are gathering in the township's high school band room to celebrate works "Made in America."
Lizzie Rose Music Room presents Jeffrey Gaines on July 26th
(TUCKERTON, NJ) -- The Lizzie Rose Music Room presents Jeffrey Gaines on Sunday, July 26, 2026 at 7:30pm. Gaines has been heralded for his soul-searching lyrics and his powerful live performances. With only his voice and a guitar for accompaniment, Gaines has earned a reputation as a captivating performer, entertaining his audiences worldwide.
Bergen County's "Music At The Barn" Series presents The Matt Chertkoff Trio and Houston Person on Sunday
(HACKENSACK, NJ) -- Bergen County Executive Jim Tedesco, III and the Board of Commissioners invite the public to attend a free music concert featuring The Matt Chertkoff Trio and Houston Person on Sunday, July 26 from 4:00pm– 6:30pm at the Wortendyke Barn Museum, a County Historic Site (13 Pascack Rd in Park Ridge, NJ). This is the first concert in the 2026 music series.
MPAC presents Hindley Street Country Club on Wednesday
(MORRISTOWN, NJ) -- YouTube sensations Hindley Street Country Club (The HSCC) are making their Mayo Performing Arts Center (MPAC) debut on Wednesday, July 29, 2026 at 7:30pm. Founded in 2017 by arranger / producer Constantine Delo, the band started as a group of Australian musicians, recording re-arranged covers of 70s and 80s hits and uploading them to Facebook and YouTube weekly.
State Theatre New Jersey presents Herb Alpert & The Tijuana Brass & Other Delights on July 30th
(NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ) -- State Theatre New Jersey presents Herb Alpert & The Tijuana Brass & Other Delights on Thursday, July 30, 2026 at 7:30pm. This special concert features Herb Alpert, along with his six great musicians, Bill Cantos (piano & marimba), Kerry Marx (guitar), Ryan Dragon (trombone), Kris Bergh (trumpet), Ray Brinker (Drums), and Hussain Jiffry (bass), playing all the favorite TJB hit songs.
NJPAC presents Jazz Icon Herbie Hancock on July 31st
(NEWARK, NJ) -- New Jersey Performing Arts Center (NJPAC) announces the return of the legendary Herbie Hancock for a one-night-only performance on Friday, July 31, 2026 at 8:00pm. This concert promises to be an unforgettable evening, showcasing the incomparable artistry of one of the most influential musicians of our time.
The Lizzie Rose Music Room presents Bees Deluxe and Eclipse on July 31st
(TUCKERTON, NJ) -- Boston-based British/American modern blues powerhouse Bees Deluxe are buzzing back into Tuckerton with their electrifying live show, landing at The Lizzie Rose Music Room on Friday, July 31, 2026 at 8:00pm. Fresh off advancing to the semi-finals this year at the International Blues Challenge in Memphis.
Rising Sun Presents: A Funky Reggae Party on August 1st
(KING OF PRUSSIA, PA) -- Rising Sun Presents will celebrate summer with A Funky Reggae Party in Heuser Park on Saturday, August 1, 2026. The evening will feature performances from legendary acts Steel Pulse, Karl Denson's Tiny Universe playing Jimmy Cliff, and The Original Wailers ft. Al Anderson. The lineup also includes The Philly Reggae Allstars ft. members of Wareika Hill. Tabernacle & more, along with DJ sets from Solomonic Sound System (Rob Paine) and Traveler Sounds.
New Brunswick Performing Arts Center presents John Violinist on August 1st
(NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ) -- John Violinist will perform at the New Brunswick Performing Arts Center (NBPAC) on Saturday, August 1, 2026 7:30pm. John is an international violinist and performer who has fused the sound of classical music with the sound of today's popular music.
The Stone Pony presents John Cafferty and the Beaver Brown Band on August 1st
(ASBURY PARK, NJ) -- John Cafferty and the Beaver Brown Band return to The Stone Pony on Saturday, August 1, 2026. The band has been delivering their patented good time rock 'n' roll for more then 50 years now. This is an all ages show; doors are at 6:30pm.
FEATURED EVENTS
