By Rosemary Conte
originally published: 12/25/2017
What to Do with A Holiday Tradition
(Sing to the tune of “Makin’ Whoopee”)
(Verse)
Christmas is over. Resolutions are done.
Released all my guilt. Except for just one.
In a world where there’s hunger, I threw in the dumpster,
A WallMart Fruitcake.
Nobody likes it. It’s hard to digest
It plugs up your plumbing. And you know the rest.
It’s not uplifting. It’s for re-gifting,
Department store fruitcake.
(Chorus)
A di-a-mond is for-ever. A fruitcake is too, I fear.
If I gave someone that fruitcake, I might get it back next year.
(Verse)
Keep it in foil. It ain’t gonna spoil,
It’s dark and it’s rich, like Iranian oil
My guilt is ending. An idea is blending.
For using Fruitcake.
Send all the fruitcake, off to Iraq
Going that far, we won’t get it back.
A drone for the mission, with Trump’s permission,
To bomb with fruitcake.
(Chorus)
We’ll make the Middle East, safe for Democra-cy
Picture the world-wide headlines: “U.S. constipates enemy”
(Verse)
It’s hard and it’s heavy. It lands and explodes.
No mortar no shrapnel, just orange peel and cloves.
No collateral damage. That’s an advantage
Of firing Fruitcake
Let’s turn it over… to the FDA
To pull it from stores by April or May
Don’t wanna destroy it…just wanna deploy it,
Department store Fruitcake!
(Big, Bill Murray lounge singer finish)
That Wal-Mart Fruitcake!
Civics Song
(Sing to the tune of “Auld Lang Syne”)
Should old b’grudges be forgot
And never left to roam
In minds of Trenton politics
In the state that I call home.
Oh, legislators we don’t want
Our living costs to climb
Please govern so efficiently
That I keep the house that’s mine!
To anyone who didn’t show
This past election day
Are you the one who thought your voice
Wouldn’t matter anyway?
Well, thanks, my friend if you showed up
At the polling place to vote
Phil Murphy has some work to do
(Cutting taxes seems remote.)
He’s gotta get that tunnel dug
From “N” “J” to Gotham town
Then find a way to pay for schools
So our seniors stick around.
Be sure to get what you deserve,
Go to council meetings (free)
Speak up about what’s going on
In your municipality!
Happy New Year!
EVENT PREVIEWS
Music at Bunker Hill presents Trio Zimbalist
(SEWELL, NJ) -- Music at Bunker Hill presents Trio Zimbalist in their first appearance on their series on May 10, 2026 at 3:00pm. Trio Zimbalist has been celebrated for its "highly charged performances" (The Strad) and its "liveliness and vigor of playing" (Athinorama).
Punch Brothers to Kick off 28-City Tour at Mayo Performing Arts Center on May 14th
(MORRISTOWN, NJ) -- The Grammy Award-winning Punch Brothers will begin a twenty-eight city U.S. tour on Thursday, May 14, 2026 at Mayo Performing Arts Center (MPAC). Tickets range from $53-$85. Showtime is 7:30pm.
McCarter Theatre presents Madeleine Peyroux's "WE ARE AMERICA: American Songs That Give Us Hope" on May 14th
(PRINCETON, NJ) -- Madeleine Peyroux brings her WE ARE AMERICA: American Songs That Give Us Hope tour to McCarter Theatre Center on Thursday, May 14, 2026 at 7:30pm.
Westminster Choir College to celebrate 100th anniversary
(LAWRENCEVILLE, NJ) -- Westminster Choir College of Rider University is celebrating its 100th anniversary, marking a century of excellence in music education and performance. Centennial events in Lawrenceville and Princeton honor legacy while supporting future generations of musicians.
Looking for the Heart of Saturday Night? Eddie Skuller to bring the Ballads of Tom Waits to Hoboken
(HOBOKEN, NJ) -- Jersey City based singer Eddie Skuller will perform a personal tribute to the songwriting of Tom Waits on Saturday, May 16, 2026 at the 503 Social Club. Eddie returns for a night of classic Waits songs, interpreted by this skilled, masterful singer. A moving experience guaranteed!
The Newton Theatre presents The Wailers on May 16th
(NEWTON, NJ) -- The Wailers are celebrating 50 years of "Rastaman Vibration" with a tour honoring one of Bob Marley & The Wailers' most influential albums. The tour comes to The Newton Theatre on Saturday, May 16, 2026 at 8:00pm.
Raul Midón Takes the Stage at the Grunin Center's Prima Theatre on May 16th
(TOMS RIVER, NJ) -- The Jay and Linda Grunin Center for the Arts welcomes Grammy-nominated singer-songwriter and virtuoso guitarist Raul Midón to the Gia Maione Prima Foundation Studio Theatre on Saturday, May 16, 2026 at 7:00pm. Tickets are $35.
The Masterwork Chorus presents "An American Tapestry"
(MADISON, NJ) -- On Saturday, May 16, 2026, The Masterwork Chorus presents An American Tapestry at The Concert Hall at Drew University. This is a musical journey through 250 years of Americana celebrating the the 250th anniversary of the signing of the Declaration of Independence. Showtime is 7:30pm.
Masterwork Music and Art Foundation to Honor Wayne Walters At 65th Birthday Celebration on May 17th
(MORRISTOWN, NJ) -- The Masterwork Music and Art Foundation will celebrate its 65th Anniversary with a gala at the Morristown Unitarian Universalist Fellowship (21 Normandy Heights Road) in Morristown on Sunday, May 17, 2026 at 3:00pm. The event will showcase some of its grant awardees plus honor Wayne Walters, a well-known New Jersey musician who sings, composes, conducts, and has taught and influenced many over the years.
Sentimental Journey Big Band Takes the Stage at OCC's Grunin Center on May 17th
(TOMS RIVER, NJ) -- Enjoy the music of the Greatest Generation when the Sentimental Journey Big Band presents "It Might as Well Be Swing" at the Jay and Linda Grunin Center for the Arts at Ocean County College on Sunday, May 17, 2026. Showtime is 3:00pm.
