By Rosemary Conte
originally published: 12/25/2017
What to Do with A Holiday Tradition
(Sing to the tune of “Makin’ Whoopee”)
(Verse)
Christmas is over. Resolutions are done.
Released all my guilt. Except for just one.
In a world where there’s hunger, I threw in the dumpster,
A WallMart Fruitcake.
Nobody likes it. It’s hard to digest
It plugs up your plumbing. And you know the rest.
It’s not uplifting. It’s for re-gifting,
Department store fruitcake.
(Chorus)
A di-a-mond is for-ever. A fruitcake is too, I fear.
If I gave someone that fruitcake, I might get it back next year.
(Verse)
Keep it in foil. It ain’t gonna spoil,
It’s dark and it’s rich, like Iranian oil
My guilt is ending. An idea is blending.
For using Fruitcake.
Send all the fruitcake, off to Iraq
Going that far, we won’t get it back.
A drone for the mission, with Trump’s permission,
To bomb with fruitcake.
(Chorus)
We’ll make the Middle East, safe for Democra-cy
Picture the world-wide headlines: “U.S. constipates enemy”
(Verse)
It’s hard and it’s heavy. It lands and explodes.
No mortar no shrapnel, just orange peel and cloves.
No collateral damage. That’s an advantage
Of firing Fruitcake
Let’s turn it over… to the FDA
To pull it from stores by April or May
Don’t wanna destroy it…just wanna deploy it,
Department store Fruitcake!
(Big, Bill Murray lounge singer finish)
That Wal-Mart Fruitcake!
Civics Song
(Sing to the tune of “Auld Lang Syne”)
Should old b’grudges be forgot
And never left to roam
In minds of Trenton politics
In the state that I call home.
Oh, legislators we don’t want
Our living costs to climb
Please govern so efficiently
That I keep the house that’s mine!
To anyone who didn’t show
This past election day
Are you the one who thought your voice
Wouldn’t matter anyway?
Well, thanks, my friend if you showed up
At the polling place to vote
Phil Murphy has some work to do
(Cutting taxes seems remote.)
He’s gotta get that tunnel dug
From “N” “J” to Gotham town
Then find a way to pay for schools
So our seniors stick around.
Be sure to get what you deserve,
Go to council meetings (free)
Speak up about what’s going on
In your municipality!
Happy New Year!
EVENT PREVIEWS
Telegraph Quartet to Perform on the Morris Museum's Back Deck to Kick Off Its Celebrated Summer Outdoor Concerts Series
(MORRISTOWN, NJ) -- On Thursday, June 11, 2026, the Telegraph Quartet will return to perform for the Morris Museum's seventh annual Back Deck season. This outdoor concert series began during the pandemic, and The New York Times describes it as "Live Music Splendor in a Parking Lot." Showtime is 7:30pm.
Carteret PAC presents Jo Dee Messina
(CARTERET, NJ) -- Chart-topping country music icon Jo Dee Messina will perform at The URSB Carteret Performing Arts and Events Center on Friday, June 12, 2026. Messina is known for her powerful vocals and extensive catalog including nine number-one hits, 16 Top 40 songs, and awards and nominations from the ACM, CMA, AMA, Billboard, and the Grammys. Showtime is 8:000pm.
SOPAC to Celebrate 20th Anniversary with Gala 20: Featuring Max Weinberg's Jukebox
(SOUTH ORANGE, NJ) -- The South Orange Performing Arts Center (SOPAC) will celebrate its 20th Anniversary on Friday, June 12, 2026 with Gala 20: Featuring Max Weinberg's Jukebox — a venue-wide celebration from 5:00pm–11:00pm.
Trenton City Museum presents Art & Song: A Musical Gallery on June 12th
(TRENTON, NJ) -- Trenton City Museum presents the concert Art & Song: A Musical Gallery on Friday, June 12, 2026 at 6:30pm. Versatile vocalists Tom Chiola and Pam Jorgensen, accompanied by the George Sinkler Trio, will delight audience members with selections from Broadway, Blues, Jazz, and more. Transformed into a stylish jazz café, the museum will also provide delicious food and beverages amid the art of the just-opened Ellarslie Open 43 exhibition. Doors will open at 6:00pm.
French Montana to Headline Grand Opening of Dream Live Performing Arts Center
(EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ) -- American Dream will celebrate the region's opening World Cup match between Brazil and Morocco with the debut of its newest venue, the Dream Live Performing Arts Center, with a postgame concert by French Montana on June 13, 2026 at 9:00pm.
Sergio Mendes' Wife, Gracinha Leporace, Brings His 'Best Band Ever' to New Jersey
Sixty years ago, Herb Alpert Presents Sergio Mendes & Brasil '66 (A&M Records) emerged as both a masterful artistic statement and a major commercial breakthrough album. The record helped introduce the sophisticated rhythms and cool elegance of Brazilian bossa nova and samba to a truly global audience, blending Brazilian musical traditions with American pop, jazz, and contemporary studio production and repertoire.
Marc Ribler & Friends to perform Paul McCartney birthday tribute "When I'm 84" at Axelrod PAC
(DEAL, NJ) -- As a tribute to Sir Paul McCartney's upcoming 84th birthday in June, Jersey Shore musician Marc Ribler has put together an all-star lineup to perform "When I'm 84" at the Axelrod Performing Arts Center on Saturday, June 13 and Sunday, June 14, 2026.
Levoy Theatre presents Paul Thorn on June 18th
(MILLVILLE, NJ) -- The Levoy Theatre presents Paul Thorn on Thursday, June 18, 2026 at 7:30pm. When it comes to songwriting, less is more, and simplicity is strength. Just ask Paul Thorn, who’s spent three decades turning soulful grooves and small syllables into songs that pack a big wallop.
Erin Harpe & Countryman Jim Bring Award-Nominated Country Blues to Lizzie Rose Music Room on June 18th
(TUCKERTON, NJ) -- Award-nominated country blues duo Erin Harpe & Countryman Jim will bring their captivating blend of traditional country blues, folk, and Americana to the Lizzie Rose Music Room on Thursday, June 18, 2026 at 7:30pm.
The Black Crowes and Whiskey Myers to Perform at Prudential Center
(NEWARK, NJ) -- Genre-defying rock legends The Black Crowes bring their massive co-headlining Southern Hospitality Tour with modern rock's boundary-pushing powerhouse Whiskey Myers to Prudential Center in Newark on Saturday, June 20, 2026 at 8:00pm.
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