By Rosemary Conte
originally published: 12/25/2017
What to Do with A Holiday Tradition
(Sing to the tune of “Makin’ Whoopee”)
(Verse)
Christmas is over. Resolutions are done.
Released all my guilt. Except for just one.
In a world where there’s hunger, I threw in the dumpster,
A WallMart Fruitcake.
Nobody likes it. It’s hard to digest
It plugs up your plumbing. And you know the rest.
It’s not uplifting. It’s for re-gifting,
Department store fruitcake.
(Chorus)
A di-a-mond is for-ever. A fruitcake is too, I fear.
If I gave someone that fruitcake, I might get it back next year.
(Verse)
Keep it in foil. It ain’t gonna spoil,
It’s dark and it’s rich, like Iranian oil
My guilt is ending. An idea is blending.
For using Fruitcake.
Send all the fruitcake, off to Iraq
Going that far, we won’t get it back.
A drone for the mission, with Trump’s permission,
To bomb with fruitcake.
(Chorus)
We’ll make the Middle East, safe for Democra-cy
Picture the world-wide headlines: “U.S. constipates enemy”
(Verse)
It’s hard and it’s heavy. It lands and explodes.
No mortar no shrapnel, just orange peel and cloves.
No collateral damage. That’s an advantage
Of firing Fruitcake
Let’s turn it over… to the FDA
To pull it from stores by April or May
Don’t wanna destroy it…just wanna deploy it,
Department store Fruitcake!
(Big, Bill Murray lounge singer finish)
That Wal-Mart Fruitcake!
Civics Song
(Sing to the tune of “Auld Lang Syne”)
Should old b’grudges be forgot
And never left to roam
In minds of Trenton politics
In the state that I call home.
Oh, legislators we don’t want
Our living costs to climb
Please govern so efficiently
That I keep the house that’s mine!
To anyone who didn’t show
This past election day
Are you the one who thought your voice
Wouldn’t matter anyway?
Well, thanks, my friend if you showed up
At the polling place to vote
Phil Murphy has some work to do
(Cutting taxes seems remote.)
He’s gotta get that tunnel dug
From “N” “J” to Gotham town
Then find a way to pay for schools
So our seniors stick around.
Be sure to get what you deserve,
Go to council meetings (free)
Speak up about what’s going on
In your municipality!
Happy New Year!
EVENT PREVIEWS
Award-Winning Rockland Jazz Composer Takes New Live Album to Paramus
(PARAMUS, NJ) -- Popular local jazz act The Peter Furlan Project host their New Jersey album release party for their freshly revealed Live At Maureen's Jazz Cellar at Bergen Community College's Ciccone Theater on Thursday, April 23, 2026. Showtime is 7:30pm.
Vivid Stage presents Old Friends: A Cabaret with Charles Thomas
(SUMMIT, NJ) -- Vivid Stage, in residence at Oakes Center in Summit, will present Old Friends, a cabaret featuring vocalist Charles Thomas and pianist Rick Knutsen on Thursday, April 23, 2026 at 7:00pm.
The Lizzie Rose Music Room presents Jonatha Brooke
(TUCKERTON, NJ) -- The Lizzie Rose Music Room presents Jonatha Brooke on Friday April 24, 2026 at 7:30pm. The singer-songwriter merges evocative folk, melodic pop, with an edgier roots rock sensibility.
MPAC presents The String Queens on April 24th
(MORRISTOWN, NJ) -- Praised for its authentic, soulful, and orchestral sound, The String Queens (TSQ) is a dynamic trio that creates stimulating musical experiences that inspire diverse audiences to love, hope, feel, and imagine! The String Queens come to Mayo Performing Arts Center, Friday, April 24, 2026 at 8:00pm.
Sweet Honey in the Rock Brings 50+ Years of Music and Message to McCarter Theatre Center
(PRINCETON, NJ) -- Sweet Honey in the Rock, the GRAMMY-nominated vocal ensemble celebrating more than 50 years of artistry, returns to McCarter Theatre Center on Friday, April 24, 2026 with its signature blend of socially conscious and spiritually uplifting music. Showtime is 7:30pm.
Outpost in the Burbs presents Rhett Miller of Old 97's
(MONTCLAIR, NJ) -- Outpost in the Burbs presents Rhett Miller on Saturday, April 25, 2026 at 8:00pm. Rhett is a revered singer-songwriter known for his more than three decades fronting the popular rock band Old 97's who were honored with a Lifetime Achievement Award during the 2025 Americana Awards at Nashville's Ryman Auditorium.
Clint Black Brings His Back On The Blacktop Tour with Special Guest Gareth to CarteretPAC on April 25th
(CARTERET, NJ) -- Clint Black Brings His Back On The Blacktop Tour with Special Guest Gareth to the URSB Carteret Performing Arts and Events Center on Saturday, April 25, 2026 at 8:00pm.
Get the Led Out to Perform Three Nights at Scottish Rite Auditorium
(COLLINGSWOOD, NJ) -- The Scottish Rite Auditorium presents three nights of Get the Led Out from April 23-25, 2026. From the bombastic and epic, to the folky and mystical, the band has captured the essence of the recorded music of Led Zeppelin and brought it to the concert stage.
The Chapin Family presents: Harry Chapin’s Greatest Stories LIVE
(WAYNE, NJ) -- The Chapin Family presents: Harry Chapin’s Greatest Stories LIVE on Saturday, April 25, 2026 at the Shea Center for Performing Arts. In the long rich history of Family Groups in American Roots Music, this family has a special place. When these singers, songwriters and extraordinary live performers come together, magic happens. Showtime is 8:00pm.
Sold-Out Cabaret Returns: The Light Between – A Modern Cabaret Comes to Lincroft on April 25th
(LINCROFT, NJ) -- After selling out 200 seats in just days, The Light Between – A Modern Cabaret returns for a special encore performance Saturday, April 25, 2026 at The Earth Room at the Unitarian Universalist Congregation of Monmouth County. Created and performed by PJ Casbar and Tom McCormack, the show blends original music, musical-theater favorites, and modern pop into a character-driven cabaret evening that moves between humor, storytelling, and moments of theatrical surprise. Showtime is 7:30pm.
