By Rosemary Conte
originally published: 12/25/2017
What to Do with A Holiday Tradition
(Sing to the tune of “Makin’ Whoopee”)
(Verse)
Christmas is over. Resolutions are done.
Released all my guilt. Except for just one.
In a world where there’s hunger, I threw in the dumpster,
A WallMart Fruitcake.
Nobody likes it. It’s hard to digest
It plugs up your plumbing. And you know the rest.
It’s not uplifting. It’s for re-gifting,
Department store fruitcake.
(Chorus)
A di-a-mond is for-ever. A fruitcake is too, I fear.
If I gave someone that fruitcake, I might get it back next year.
(Verse)
Keep it in foil. It ain’t gonna spoil,
It’s dark and it’s rich, like Iranian oil
My guilt is ending. An idea is blending.
For using Fruitcake.
Send all the fruitcake, off to Iraq
Going that far, we won’t get it back.
A drone for the mission, with Trump’s permission,
To bomb with fruitcake.
(Chorus)
We’ll make the Middle East, safe for Democra-cy
Picture the world-wide headlines: “U.S. constipates enemy”
(Verse)
It’s hard and it’s heavy. It lands and explodes.
No mortar no shrapnel, just orange peel and cloves.
No collateral damage. That’s an advantage
Of firing Fruitcake
Let’s turn it over… to the FDA
To pull it from stores by April or May
Don’t wanna destroy it…just wanna deploy it,
Department store Fruitcake!
(Big, Bill Murray lounge singer finish)
That Wal-Mart Fruitcake!
Civics Song
(Sing to the tune of “Auld Lang Syne”)
Should old b’grudges be forgot
And never left to roam
In minds of Trenton politics
In the state that I call home.
Oh, legislators we don’t want
Our living costs to climb
Please govern so efficiently
That I keep the house that’s mine!
To anyone who didn’t show
This past election day
Are you the one who thought your voice
Wouldn’t matter anyway?
Well, thanks, my friend if you showed up
At the polling place to vote
Phil Murphy has some work to do
(Cutting taxes seems remote.)
He’s gotta get that tunnel dug
From “N” “J” to Gotham town
Then find a way to pay for schools
So our seniors stick around.
Be sure to get what you deserve,
Go to council meetings (free)
Speak up about what’s going on
In your municipality!
Happy New Year!
EVENT PREVIEWS
White Eagle Hall presents The Feelies 50th Anniversary Shows
(JERSEY CITY, NJ) -- White Eagle Hall presents The Feelies 50th Anniversary shows on May 22-23, 2026. The band will be performing The Good Earth and Crazy Rhythms albums.
Centenary Stage Company presents Double Vision: The Foreigner Experience on May 23rd
(HACKETTSTOWN, NJ) -- Centenary Stage Company in partnership with the Hackettstown Rotary Club presents Double Vision: The Foreigner Experience on Saturday, May 23, 2026 at 8:00pm. The performance will take place in the Sitnik Theatre of the Lackland Performing Arts Center with proceeds in part to benefit the many initiatives of the Hackettstown Rotary Club.
The Barrymore Film Center presents "A Heavenly Evening" featuring Gary Lucas and Feifei Yang
(FORT LEE, NJ) -- The Barrymore Film Center presents "A Heavenly Evening" featuring Gary Lucas and Feifei Yang in a double bill of Chinese music culture on Saturday, May 23, 2026 at 7:00pm.
Centenary Stage presents Double Vision: The Foreigner Experience on May 23rd
(HACKETTSTOWN, NJ) -- Centenary Stage Company in partnership with the Hackettstown Rotary Club presents Double Vision: The Foreigner Experience on Saturday, May 23, 2026 at 8:00pm. The performance will take place in the Sitnik Theatre of the Lackland Performing Arts Center with proceeds in part to benefit the many initiatives of the Hackettstown Rotary Club.
Lizzie Rose Music Room presents Alexis P Suter on Saturday
(TUCKERTON, NJ) -- The Lizzie Rose Music Room presents Alexis P Suter on Saturday, May 23, 2026 at 7:30pm. Three-time Blues Music Award (BMA) nominee including the 'Koko Taylor' and Best Soul Blues Female Artist award categories, Alexis is an American blues, and soul blues singer-songwriter.
United Children's Music Project presents World-Class Venezuelan Artists María Brea and Kristhyan Benítez on May 28th
(WEEHAWKEN, NJ) -- United Children's Music Project (UCMP) presents Venezuelan soprano María Brea and Latin Grammy–winning pianist Kristhyan Benítez in an unforgettable evening of Latin American artistry as part of its acclaimed Latin Night Thursdays concert series on Thursday, May 28, 2026 at UCMP (4710 Park Avenue) in Weehawken, NJ. Showtime is 7:30pm.
Outpost in the Burbs presents Joan Osborne Sings the Songs of Bob Dylan
(MONTCLAIR, NJ) -- Outpost in the Burbs presents Joan Osborne Sings the Songs of Bob Dylan on Friday, May 29, 2026 at the First Congregational Church of Montclair. Showtime is 8:00pm.
The Newton Theatre presents So Good! The Neil Diamond Experience starring Robert Neary
(NEWTON, NJ) -- If you watched the film Song Sung Blue and realized you like more Neil Diamond songs that you thought you did, you should check out So Good! The Neil Diamond Experience starring Robert Neary at The Newton Theatre on Friday, May 29, 2026. Showtime is 8:00pm.
Carteret PAC presents Air Supply on May 29th
(CARTERET, NJ) -- Carteret Performing Arts & Events Center presents Air Supply on Friday, May 29, 2026 at 8:00pm. The band is celebrating their 50th anniversary, promising an unforgettable evening of timeless hits and heartfelt memories.
State Theatre New Jersey presents Magical Mystery Doors on Friday
(NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ) -- State Theatre New Jersey presents Magical Mystery Doors on Friday, May 29, 2026 at 7:30pm. This is a tribute to the Beatles, Led Zeppelin, and The Doors. They blend and layer the music of three legendary bands to create something new and unique for music fans everywhere. Limited tickets remain.
