By Rosemary Conte
originally published: 12/25/2017
What to Do with A Holiday Tradition
(Sing to the tune of “Makin’ Whoopee”)
(Verse)
Christmas is over. Resolutions are done.
Released all my guilt. Except for just one.
In a world where there’s hunger, I threw in the dumpster,
A WallMart Fruitcake.
Nobody likes it. It’s hard to digest
It plugs up your plumbing. And you know the rest.
It’s not uplifting. It’s for re-gifting,
Department store fruitcake.
(Chorus)
A di-a-mond is for-ever. A fruitcake is too, I fear.
If I gave someone that fruitcake, I might get it back next year.
(Verse)
Keep it in foil. It ain’t gonna spoil,
It’s dark and it’s rich, like Iranian oil
My guilt is ending. An idea is blending.
For using Fruitcake.
Send all the fruitcake, off to Iraq
Going that far, we won’t get it back.
A drone for the mission, with Trump’s permission,
To bomb with fruitcake.
(Chorus)
We’ll make the Middle East, safe for Democra-cy
Picture the world-wide headlines: “U.S. constipates enemy”
(Verse)
It’s hard and it’s heavy. It lands and explodes.
No mortar no shrapnel, just orange peel and cloves.
No collateral damage. That’s an advantage
Of firing Fruitcake
Let’s turn it over… to the FDA
To pull it from stores by April or May
Don’t wanna destroy it…just wanna deploy it,
Department store Fruitcake!
(Big, Bill Murray lounge singer finish)
That Wal-Mart Fruitcake!
Civics Song
(Sing to the tune of “Auld Lang Syne”)
Should old b’grudges be forgot
And never left to roam
In minds of Trenton politics
In the state that I call home.
Oh, legislators we don’t want
Our living costs to climb
Please govern so efficiently
That I keep the house that’s mine!
To anyone who didn’t show
This past election day
Are you the one who thought your voice
Wouldn’t matter anyway?
Well, thanks, my friend if you showed up
At the polling place to vote
Phil Murphy has some work to do
(Cutting taxes seems remote.)
He’s gotta get that tunnel dug
From “N” “J” to Gotham town
Then find a way to pay for schools
So our seniors stick around.
Be sure to get what you deserve,
Go to council meetings (free)
Speak up about what’s going on
In your municipality!
Happy New Year!
EVENT PREVIEWS
Roy's Hall presents James McMurtry
(BLAIRSTOWN, NJ) -- Roy's Hall presents singer-songwriter James McMurtry on Saturday, April 4, 2026 at 8:00pm. He's been called "one of this generation's most unflinchingly potent and powerfully erudite recording artists" by American Songwriter.
State Theatre New Jersey presents Yellow Brick Joel: The Tribute Concert—Elton John & Billy Joel
(NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ) -- State Theatre New Jersey presents Yellow Brick Joel: The Tribute Concert—Elton John & Billy Joel on Saturday, April 4, 2026 at 8:00pm. David Clark performs as Billy Joel along with Bill Connors as Elton John in a tribute show celebrating the two greatest piano men of our generation.
SOUP CAN Magazine to Celebrate Five Years With a Monumental Canniversary Event
(ASBURY PARK, NJ) -- On Saturday, April 4, 2026 at 6:00pm, SOUP CAN Magazine will mark five years of magazine magic byhosting its annual "Canniversary" with a night engineered to feel like a main‑stage, stadium‑level celebration of the community that built it. Wild Air Beerworks will host the event, but the scale of the evening reaches far beyond the venue — this is a full‑force thank‑you to the readers, performers, and neighbors who transformed Soup Can from a DIY idea into one of New Jersey's most vibrant creative movements. In a show of collective power, the Canniversary aims to break their standing record of food donations by gathering over 1,100 pounds in a single night, all to benefit Mercy Center of Asbury Park.
Avenel Performing Arts Center presents singer-songwriter Steve Forbert
(AVENEL, NJ) -- Avenel Performing Arts Center presents singer-songwriter Steve Forbert on Saturday, April 4, 2026 at 7:30pm. Limited tickets remain.
Prudential Center presents B2K and Bow Wow
(NEWARK, NJ) -- The Black Promoters Collective presents B2K and Bow Wow with The Boys 4 Life at The Prudential Center on Sunday, April 5, 2026. The lineup also includes Amerie, Yung Joc, Crime Mob, Franchize Boyz with special guests Pretty Ricky.
MPAC presents Women of Americana: A Celebration of American Music
(MORRISTOWN, NJ) -- Coinciding with the United States' upcoming semiquincentennial, Women of Americana: A Celebration of American Music, produced by Eli Wolf, comes to Mayo Performing Arts Center (MPAC) on Thursday, April 9, 2026 at 7:30pm.
Morris Museum presents Cerus Quartet on April 9th
(MORRISTOWN, NJ) -- The Morris Museum presents Cerus Quartet on Thursday, April 9, 2026 at 7:00pm. Founded in 2022, the Cerus Quartet is dedicated to showcasing the dynamic and versatile sound of the saxophone quartet.
Newton Theatre presents GRUNGEFEST: Tributes to Pearl Jam & Chris Cornell
(NEWTON, NJ) -- Fans of grunge music will want to mark their calendars for GRUNGEFEST on Friday, April 10, 2026 at The Newton Theatre. The Ledbetters will pay tribute to Pearl Jam and Superunknown will perform songs by Chris Cornell. Showtime is 8:00pm.
SOPAC presents Texas Flood - A Tribute to Stevie Ray Vaughan
(SOUTH ORANGE, NJ) -- Texas Flood - A Tribute to Stevie Ray Vaughan comes to the South Orange Performing Arts Center (SOPAC) on Friday, April 10, 2026 at 7:30pm.
