By Rosemary Conte
originally published: 12/25/2017
What to Do with A Holiday Tradition
(Sing to the tune of “Makin’ Whoopee”)
(Verse)
Christmas is over. Resolutions are done.
Released all my guilt. Except for just one.
In a world where there’s hunger, I threw in the dumpster,
A WallMart Fruitcake.
Nobody likes it. It’s hard to digest
It plugs up your plumbing. And you know the rest.
It’s not uplifting. It’s for re-gifting,
Department store fruitcake.
(Chorus)
A di-a-mond is for-ever. A fruitcake is too, I fear.
If I gave someone that fruitcake, I might get it back next year.
(Verse)
Keep it in foil. It ain’t gonna spoil,
It’s dark and it’s rich, like Iranian oil
My guilt is ending. An idea is blending.
For using Fruitcake.
Send all the fruitcake, off to Iraq
Going that far, we won’t get it back.
A drone for the mission, with Trump’s permission,
To bomb with fruitcake.
(Chorus)
We’ll make the Middle East, safe for Democra-cy
Picture the world-wide headlines: “U.S. constipates enemy”
(Verse)
It’s hard and it’s heavy. It lands and explodes.
No mortar no shrapnel, just orange peel and cloves.
No collateral damage. That’s an advantage
Of firing Fruitcake
Let’s turn it over… to the FDA
To pull it from stores by April or May
Don’t wanna destroy it…just wanna deploy it,
Department store Fruitcake!
(Big, Bill Murray lounge singer finish)
That Wal-Mart Fruitcake!
Civics Song
(Sing to the tune of “Auld Lang Syne”)
Should old b’grudges be forgot
And never left to roam
In minds of Trenton politics
In the state that I call home.
Oh, legislators we don’t want
Our living costs to climb
Please govern so efficiently
That I keep the house that’s mine!
To anyone who didn’t show
This past election day
Are you the one who thought your voice
Wouldn’t matter anyway?
Well, thanks, my friend if you showed up
At the polling place to vote
Phil Murphy has some work to do
(Cutting taxes seems remote.)
He’s gotta get that tunnel dug
From “N” “J” to Gotham town
Then find a way to pay for schools
So our seniors stick around.
Be sure to get what you deserve,
Go to council meetings (free)
Speak up about what’s going on
In your municipality!
Happy New Year!
EVENT PREVIEWS
Remember Jones to present 50th Anniversary Celebration of Stevie Wonder's "Songs in the Key of Life"
(RED BANK, NJ) -- Remember Jones will present a 50th Anniversary Celebration of Stevie Wonder's Songs in the Key of Life - a one night only theatrical event featuring the ENTIRE album and MORE Stevie Wonder hits with a full expanded band, Count Basie Center Gospel Choir, and Very Special Guests on Saturday, April 18, 2026 at Count Basie Center for the Arts.
Algonquin Arts Theatre presents Yesterday and Today: The Interactive Beatles Experience
(MANASQUAN, NJ) -- Algonquin Arts Theatre presents Yesterday and Today: The Interactive Beatles Experience on Saturday, April 18, 2026 at 2:00pm. This is a unique experience that puts the audience in control.
MPAC presents Tony Danza: Standards and Stories on April 18th
(MORRISTOWN, NJ) -- Popular entertainer Tony Danza brings his Standards and Stories concert to Mayo Performing Arts Center (MPAC) on Saturday, April 18, 2026 at 8:00pm. Combining timeless music with wit, charm, storytelling, and a dash of soft shoe and ukulele performances, Danza performs a selection of his favorite standards from the Great American Songbook while interweaving stories about his life and personal connection to the music.
Split Level Concerts presents Lucy Kaplansky at Jersey Shore Arts Center; Dave Vargo to Open
(OCEAN GROVE, NJ) -- Contemporary folk stalwart Lucy Kaplansky will perform at Jersey Shore Arts Center on Saturday, April 18, 2026 at 8:00pm. Jersey-born songwriter and guitarist Dave Vargo will open the show. The show is part of the on-going Split Level Concerts Series which highlights renowned Americana and contemporary folk musicians in a uniquely intimate setting.
State Theatre New Jersey presents '60s Rock 'n Roll Revival
(NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ) -- State Theatre New Jersey presents '60s Rock 'N Roll Revival on Saturday, April 18, 2026 at 7:00pm. The evening features performances by Jay and the Americans, The Grass Roots, The Lovin' Spoonful, and The Brooklyn Bridge.
Actor, Writer, Designer Isaac Mizrahi to Bring Six-Piece Jazz Band to Stockton on April 18th
(GALLOWAY, NJ) -- Actor, writer, designer and producer Isaac Mizrahi will blend comedy, storytelling and jazz for a performance at Stockton University's Performing Arts Center on Saturday, April 18, 2026. Showtime is 7:30pm.
Boots in the Borough to Take Place April 18th
(WASHINGTON, NJ) -- With country music and line dancing kicking all day, it'll be a family friendly fun-filled day of dancing, dancing and more dancing when Washington (Warren County) hosts Boots in the Borough on Saturday, April 18, 2026. The free event, which will take place in Downtown Washington from 11:00am to 7:00pm, is the first of its kind in the region.
Rock the Foundation Returns to the Westfield Armory April 18th to Support Housing for Veterans in Need
(WESTFIELD, NJ) -- On Saturday, April 18, 2026, the Foundation for Sustainable Veteran Housing (FSVH) will host its annual Rock the Foundation benefit concert at the Westfield Armory from 6:00pm to 10:30pm. This signature event brings together music, community, and purpose to support veterans in need of safe, stable housing.
Grunin Center for the Arts presents The Brit Pack on Saturday
(TOMS RIVER, NJ) -- The Grunin Center for the Arts presents The Brit Pack on Saturday, April 18, 2026 at 7:30pm. They are the most authentic British Invasion experience this side of the Atlantic. Limited tickets remain.
Landis Rock Fest 2026 to Take Place Saturday
(VINELAND, NJ) -- The Landis Rock Fest 2026 takes place Saturday, April 18th at The Landis Theater in Vineland. Get ready for a full night of original music, hard-hitting rock, and nonstop energy. Showtime is 7:00pm.
